I will not allow my near-flawless perfection get in the way of partaking of that most American of traditions: commercially marketed self-improvement regimens. So over the next year month time yet to be determined, I will engage in a series of self-help projects that will undoubtedly result in a better me©.
And yet, I cannot imagine putting in a lot of time into a self-improvement regimen, because that would be, uh, dumb (“Improve Your Vocabulary” is on the agenda). So in order to avoid being dumb, I will accomplish all my goals within three days. I call it “Day 3 to a Better Me.” (If you decide to play along, you will need to call it “Day 2 to a Better You,” because otherwise it’s not as catchy. But you can still take three days if you’d like, loser).
Admittedly, I’ve become quite good over the years at succeeding when I set my mind to self-improvement. Some time ago, for example, I decided I needed to lose some weight. So I came up with a diet based entirely on beans and rice, one of my favorite dishes. The trick for me was that I could ONLY eat beans and rice…
/cue the ducks
1999
Day 1: Eats 8 bowls of beans and rice. Bloats. Total weight loss: -2 pounds.
Day 2: Eats 8 bowls of beans and rice. Contorts. Total weight loss: -3 pounds.
Day 3: Eats 6 bowls of beans and rice. Grimaces. Total weight loss: -2 pounds.
Day 4: Eats 1 bowl of beans and rice. Blech. Total weight loss: 1 pound.
Day 5: Won't look at anything resembling beans and rice. Total weight loss: 3 pounds.
Day 6: Sleeps all day. Total weight loss: 5 pounds.
Day 7: Tries to eat spoonful of rice alone to recover rapidly fading strength. Vomits. Total weight loss: 8 pounds.
Cumulative weight loss: 10 pounds.
Success!
Day 8: Eats four roasted chickens.
/end dream sequence
Since that time, however, I have eaten enough to where I am technically 1 ½ pounds overweight for my age, height and geographical proximity to the Ford Modeling Agency. So I have decided that my first self-help project should be to shed those burdensome 24 ounces.
I believe in myself.
But again, I’m not going to spend more than three days on this.
So the first step was to identify a self-help book, and the one I selected was one titled, “Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program that Works.” The first thing I noticed about this book was that I LOVED the title, because losing 1 ½ pounds will require NOTHING SHORT OF BLATANT HYPERBOLE. I think the only other titles that could have rocked harder would have been something like, “How Dropping Your Added Weight will End the World’s Child Sex Slave Industry,” or “Meatless Tuesdays: How Americans Defeated the Nazis by Losing Weight.”
Unfortunately, while I’m sure “Intuitive Eating” is indeed REVOLUTIONARY, I don’t actually have time to read it, so I’m really basing my regimen on the Table of Contents alone, and then only the first page, because I used up all my previous Amazon.com ‘Search Inside!’ clicks on another book (“A Passion for Lingerie” – lame).
And, of course, since I only have time to follow three steps, I will base my regimen on only three chapter titles.
Chapter 9 – Principle 5: Feel Your Fullness
Pfft. No problem.
I feel the fullness in me, the throbbing, writhing, shiny fullness, and know that I am well on my way towards a better me ©, but I also feel ashamed and filthy. I never knew being 1 ½ pounds overweight would be such a heavy burden, a dirty secret, and now the fullness is gone, replaced by the bitter emptiness of a failed Day One. An emptiness that can only be filled with boxed wine.