carrot

I was well on my way to losing those BURDENSOME 24 ounces today (frankly, all I really had to do was skip the morning 40) when the self-help book I picked, “Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works,” decided it had other plans for A Better Me ©.

Chapter 11 – Principle 7: Cope With Your Emotions Without Using Food

Obviously, the authors of this book have never had A. Children, or B. EMOTIONS.

FOOD = EMOTION.

Hell, every kid who ever owned (or stole from the wealthy boy who lived up the street during his 7th Birthday ExtravaganzAaron) KNOWS THAT.

In fact, not only is this advice useless in terms of weight loss, IT CAN POTENTIALLY GET YOU FIRED.

/cue the ducks

Exhibit A.

SCENE: COMPANY SPEECH

Me: My wife begged me not to make any horse jokes out of respect for Barbaro, but I says, “Honey, it’s okay! I hear the horse is in STABLE condition!”

Much laughter and applause.

Me: /attempts to use restroom following speech.

Unnamed co-worker who always seems to stop me just as I reach the restroom: “Hey, B!”

Me: /tries to use mind force to implant the following thought into above person’s head: THESE AREN’T THE DROIDS YOU’RE LOOKING FOR. HE CAN GO ABOUT HIS BUSINESS.

Unnamed co-worker: /shakes head and says: ~ blah blah blah ~

Me: /tries mind force again

Unnamed co-worker: ~ inanities ~

Me: /wonders if crossing legs while standing, then collapsing onto floor will make any difference

Unnamed co-worker: ~ HISTORY OF MY LIFE, AGE 7-11 ~

Me: /spots carrot on food tray, uses it to express my need to make wee-wee

Unnamed co-worker: “Oh. Why didn’t you just say? Pfft.”

Me: /has waited too long. Must make wee-wee on toilet sitting down. Sobs quietly, but with honor.

END SCENE

Exhibit B

SCENE: HOME UNIT

Tristan: We made GAK today from starch and glue.

Me: Really? This is cool! Did all the kids get GAK?

Tristan: Yeah, except for Curtis. He was doing inappropriate things with his goo.

Me: IT’S PERFECTLY OKAY TO EXPRESS YOUR EMOTIONS WITH FOOD!

Tristan: We’re not allowed to eat glue.

END SCENE

TOTAL DAY 2 WEIGHT LOSS: 3 OUNCES