It's Not Always Nice to Laugh

I think I got this photo from Jake, by the way. I'm sure he gave it the appropriate credit.

I will use the Chris Couch method © to review The Ice Harvest, which I saw last night:

• Scene in which stripper introduces a customer she just met as her new fiance to boss using wrong name. Fiance/customer meekly corrects her while boss rolls his eyes. +4
• Stripper complaining about having to work on Christmas. +2
• Drunk guy saying he's all right then vomiting in front seat of friend’s car. -8
• Guy hiding from mobster in toilet, pretending to do twosies. Mobster pausing, as though acutely aware that that the guy he’s looking for is impossibly close, but somehow not bothering to look in the stalls. 73 minutes of my life futilely wasted. -2
• Guy carrying dead wife in body bag continuously banging corpse around making noisy ruckus as her head strikes every possible object in sight. -11
• Drunk guy in moment of clarity saying something profoundly deep, then proceeding to snore. -1
• Protagonist saving girl at very last moment, but only after the bad guy allows him time to do so by giving an inexplicably long speech, which ends with 'Okay, NOW it is time for you to die.' +5
• Drunk guy losing pants, needs assistance from male friend who can only assist him by holding him from behind, allowing them to be caught by onlooker who obviously mistakes it for homosexual act. -18
• Protagonist having visual flashback putting all the clues together just in time to realize he is getting scammed by the woman he loves. +7
• Scene where two people are so close together following a gun shot that for a moment the viewer doesn't know which one was shot, though it’s fully expected that the protagonist does not die. -3
• Protagonist does not die. -8
• Guy siphoning gasoline and swallowing impossibly large amount, spitting it up harmlessly onto street, thus distracting audience from realizing that nobody in real life in fact carries siphoning tube in cars. +14
• Conservative Christian politician caught in sex act with hooker. +2
• Wealthy lawyer inexplicably risking life to steal less money than what his house is worth. +6
• Lack of any woman in film with any redeemable quality. -27
• Randy Quaid shot in face with shotgun blast of rock salt. +70

I’m too tired to do the math, but just looking at the numbers, I’d say the overall score of this film is a 2.

So here's what I liked about the movie, and remember, I never go to the movies, so this should not be assumed as the definitive review of this film. Really, you should take my opinion with a grain of salt. I can't stress enough how I don't know what I'm talking about.

Okay, the first thing I liked about this movie was that it was free. I was sent free passes from Patricia. Not having to pay for a movie makes it better. So that's the first thing you'll love about The Ice Harvest: You won't have to pay for it, because Patricia will give you free tickets.

The other first thing I liked was that all my life I keep hearing about how the girls I’m attracted to absolutely love them some John Cusack. He's like the thinking woman's hunk or something. But on the way to the theater Alex told me that she wouldn't do Mr. Cusack, and even though I know she's lying, it still felt nice to hear those words.

I also liked that the movie theater is very close to a bar, and Alex bought me a double margarita, which helps me get through movies that are as empty and soulless as The Ice Harvest was.

Okay, here's what I didn't like so much about the movie. The theater didn't have wifi, so there was no way I could browse the web on my iPaq during the movie, which makes for a dull time. I mean, come on, Miramax (I don't honestly know if Miramax produced this film), you definitely need to add wifi to all your feature films. That way, when you see an actress on screen, and you're all like, 'what other movie was she in?' you could simply google it and be like, 'oh, she was in gladiator. And look at that, she's Danish,' and 'Hey, YOU be quiet! And No, I will NOT turn off my iPaq, I don't care if you call the usher, cause I'm actually HOPING to be escorted from the premises.'

There's a scene in this movie where some gangster has killed Billy Bob's wife. She's kneeling at the Christmas tree, a bullet hole to her head. And Billy Bob makes some joke about how the killer overestimated his affection for this woman. The audience loved this and laughed and laughed and laughed. And that's kind of where I lost my stomach for all these sorts of movies that think dark, violent humor is suddenly high brow. I've gotten into this kick lately that if I wouldn't find it funny in real life, I refuse to find it funny in the movies. And that's pretty much the basis for this whole movie, which is full of pretty much every Hollywood convention for every black comedy in the vein of Elmore Leonard. Ivan Reitman produces a lot of laughs through sight gags, but absolutely nothing original. Perhaps the one thing that is original is that every single turn is utterly predictable.

You know, I think the problem is I just can’t sit through movies anymore. And when it comes to televised violence, I guess you could say that as I’ve gotten older, I’ve decided it’s time to show a little integrity and start sticking to my strict code of morality. In order to be a better role model for my children, therefore, I’ve decided from now on to eschew Hollywood and stick to the simple pleasures of my life: Getting drunk on tequila shooters and staring at strange women’s bosoms.