Every time I feel the slightest twinge of pain, I imagine the worst and start planning my passing into the next life. Recently, I went through a pretty serious bout of suffering, and annoyed Alex to no end with news of my pending demise.
‘Okay, you know how much you have meant to me, right? How you’ve made my brief time here on earth pass so lightly?’
‘Oh, not dees again…’
‘And you know that’ *sniff* ‘you were the only girl for me, in spite of all those phone calls from the Idaho area code?’
‘Zee 900 number?’
‘And I want you to know,’ /sneezes
‘Vless you.’
‘Thank you. I want you to know that of the forty-one women I’ve been with…’
‘Da, sure. Forty-vun.’
‘Okay, eight women…’
/snorts
‘Okay, the point is, of all the woman I’ve known, you…’
/phone rings
‘Hold on, I theenk eet’s my seester.’
/45 minutes later
‘Da, vut vere you saying?’
‘I want you to be as happy as you’ve made me, Alex. And I don’t want you to mourn me. I want you to find companionship with another man.’
‘Really? Ven are you dying again?’
‘And’ /voice breaks ‘I want you to’ /sniff ‘bury me’ /blows nose ‘with a notebook computer.’
‘Vut?’
‘A wireless notebook.’
‘Vy?’
‘You know, just in case heaven’s got internets. Ooh, and I should probably compose a message for the people who visit my blog…’
‘Your vlog?!?’
‘Yeah, you know, to let them know I won’t be posting for awhile.’
‘You are sick man.’
‘WOMAN, THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!’
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