Me and You

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I’m not sure why, but I would like very much to create a personal profile on one of those dating services.

* insert wavy dream sequence *

About me:

If we were to go out on a date, you could expect me to talk incessantly about my wife and children. Since we would be on a date, I imagine this might make you uncomfortable, but then again, you might totally get into it. That would make me uncomfortable. So I’d probably stop talking about myself altogether and ask you questions about your childhood.

At the end of the evening, you’d probably say something like, ‘Wow. You’re a really good listener.’ But it’s not like I had a choice, is it?

If you enjoy movies, I’m afraid I would probably make a poor date. I don’t see many movies. On the other hand, I have spent a great deal of time on themoviespoiler.com, so I probably know the ending to whatever movie it is you are blathering on about. And I’ll gladly spill the endings for any movies you’re hoping to catch in the next few weeks.

If you ask me if I like to dance, I’d answer with an enthusiastic ‘Yes!’. But when you try to lead me to the dance floor, I will limp pathetically, favoring my right leg. When you’d ask why I was limping, I’d say, ‘Oh, you know. Fake leg. Lost it during a fire.’ You’d probably change your mind about dancing, and say, ‘Well, maybe we should just have another tequila,’ and secretly, I’d be thinking, ‘Yes!’ and I’d limp back to the table, favoring my left leg.

I leave really big tips. Even when the service is bad. ESPECIALLY when the service is bad. I’m a karma freak. So I rarely get angry, except at those who are closest to me. You’re best to keep your distance.

Someone once told me that I’m a polemical conversationalist. I think what she meant was that I’m good at saying something funny about something that someone just said, but when I looked up polemical, that’s not what it seemed to mean at all. Hopefully you don’t know what it means, because at least once during the evening I will probably mention that I’m good at polemical conversation.

I will go to the bathroom incessantly. Three or four times an hour. The first time, I’ll probably just get up in the middle of something you’re talking about and leave without saying a word. When I return, I’ll realize by your shocked expression that I did it again!. I’ll promise to use hand signals next time. One finger means, well, you know what this means. Two fingers, means, well, God, I hope I don’t have to do that, what with it being our first date and all. But it happens, you know? Especially if you’re intimidating and have succeeded in making me nervous.

Three fingers means something, too, but I’d prefer not to go there.

We were very poor when I was a child, so I will probably chase my tequila(s) with a Budweiser. I’m sorry, old habit from childhood. When you frown at me in disgust, I’ll nod my head in agreement and say, ‘I KNOWWWW! Crazy, huh?’

I really love to make fun of people, so when you make a joke about how the girl at the next table looks like she just emerged from a White Snake video, I’ll giggle and add something equally mean and funny. But then I’ll imagine she’s been made fun of before, and I’ll start to feel incredibly sorry for her and be guilt ridden and catatonic for the rest of the evening. What I’m saying is that we should probably hold off on making fun of people until we’re ready for the bill.

When I drop you off at your apartment, you might ask me if I’d like to come in for a tequila. That’s pretty low, because there’s no way I could turn that down, even though my kids have swimming lessons in the morning. So I’d likely accept your offer and quickly down two shots without taking off my vintage Members Only jacket. Then I’d ask you for directions to the bathroom and flash you a number 1 and a smile. An hour later, when you got the courage to open the bathroom door, you’d see an open window and note that says, ‘I had a great time. We should definitely do this again.’

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