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I last had cable television back in ’95, and I remember watching re-runs of an MTV something or another where Lisa Marie Presley kissed Michael Jackson. On the mouth. On his actual mouth. And the other day, I was watching some internet video of Tom Cruise kissing Katie something or another, and the hairs raised on the back of my neck.
“I’ve seen this before,” I thought.
Tom Cruise, now that Michael Jackson has gone into hiding, has assumed his position as
And you want to know what’s even more bizarre? Lisa Marie Presley, apparently, is a Scientologist.
Want more neck hair raising goodness? I once wrote a post about what would happen if the CIA teamed up with L. Ron Hubbard’s ghost:
December 2003
Waiting for my bus today in
And boom! It was like that moment in the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup commercial where the guy dressed up as Chocolate runs into the guy dressed up as Peanut Butter! What if the CIA enlisted the help of L. Ron Hubbard to find out all about Saddam Hussein? So I took some of the questions from that Dianetics Questionnaire, and created the Dictator Personality Inventory:
(+) means definitely yes or mostly yes
(m) means maybe or uncertain. Not a definite yes or no.
(-) means definitely no or mostly no.
(I’ve modified 5 of the questions to accurately reflect the fact that a known despot is taking the survey. But otherwise, the Dianetics survey is remarkably useful!)
+ m – 1. Do you make thoughtless remarks or accusations, which later you regret?
+ m – 2. When others are getting rattled, do you remain fairly composed?
+ m – 3. Do you browse through railway timetables, directories or dictionaries just for pleasure?
+ m – 4. Do you plan on having 40 or fewer children even though your health and age will permit more?
+ m – 5. Do you feel that your captors don't understand the real you? That while they are asking you plenty of questions, they aren't asking the 'right' questions?
+ m – 6. Do you sometimes lash out in anger to those closest to you? To those in the north of your country? Do you sometimes lash out with chemical, biological or nuclear weapons?
+ m – 7. Have you ever fantasized about killing your father? Were you in fact the one who killed your father? And his 2 brothers on
+ m – 8. Do you find it difficult to wake up and carry out your normal routine?
+ m – 9. Do you feel like the world is really out to get you even though they tell you to your face that they love and adore you?
+ m – 10. Do you agonize over the bridges you have burned? Do you agonize over bridges that you ordered to be burned, but were not?
+ m – 11. Do you wish you could just start over, as a new man in a new place? Like
+ m – 12. Do you feel the need to withdraw from society? Do you feel the need to withdraw your army from societies you've invaded?
+ m – 13. Would you prefer to be in a position where you did not hold the responsibilities of making decisions?
+ m – 14. Have you found that your wives just don't treat you in the respectful manner they once used to?
+ m – 15. Have you found that of late, you no longer have an interest in taking on another wife?
+ m – 16. Are your actions considered unpredictable by others? Are your actions considered homicidal by others?
+ m – 17. Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch? Is your voice actually the voice of your double?
+ m – 18. Have you recently put on weight unexpectedly? Or alternately, have you found you no longer desire to carry out routine bodily grooming and hygiene?
+ m – 19. Do you speak slowly and in a language other than English? If you speak English, is it heavily accented with a non European language, other than Spanish?
+ m – 20. Are you 'always getting into trouble'?
+ m – 21. Would you admit you were wrong just to 'keep the peace'?
+ m – 22. Do you consider the modern 'prisons without bars' system doomed to failure?
+ m – 23. Do you often sit and think about death, sickness, pain and sorrow?
+ m – 24. Do you find yourself going off in all directions at once?
+ m – 25. Are you embarrassed by a hearty getting such as a kiss, hug, or pat on the back, if done in public?
+ m – 26. Do you often ponder on your own inferiority?
+ m – 27. Do you laugh or smile quite readily?
+ m – 28. Could you allow someone to finish those final two words in a crossword puzzle without interfering?
+ m – 29. If we were invading another country, would you feel sympathetic towards conscientious objectors in this country?
+ m – 30. Are you usually up to date on everyday affairs?
Okay, now I have no intention of seeing War of the Worlds. I have not seen any of the Mission Impossibles, Collateral, Last Samurai, Minority Report, Vanilla Sky, Jerry Maguire, The Firm, or A Few Good Men, and I don’t plan on supporting the loon in any way from here on out.
So would someone please just tell me what happens at the end?
Thanks.
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