Last night we gorged on pizza and chips to celebrate the culmination of a successful SAVE THE FISH campaign. In the past, we have always failed in our efforts and one or two trout invariably became casualties in our long-standing conflict (CAN MAN AND FISH EVER CO-EXIST PEACEFULLY???).
But this year, we had sheer numbers on our side. And for the first time, women were actively engaged in the front line. Although I am sure they are too humble to assume any sort of trailblazing credit, the fact is, fish have ALWAYS died when there were NO WOMEN present. And this year, NO fish came to harm. Clearly, victory falls along gender lines, and I am a big enough man to admit I had no part in previous year failures to save the fish.
Not to say that there weren’t some close calls. Early on, a rather large triploid got tangled in our warning lines, and jumped straight into the air, causing an osprey to swoop down and try to rescue the poor fish. But there was no danger. We applied years of NOT CATCHING FISH expertise and freed the creature before any permanent harm was done. We shed tears of joy, and still are.
Sadly, we would have SAVED EVEN MORE FISH, but one of our soldiers was overcome with urinary intractability ALMOST AS SOON AS I SET ANCHOR, to the point where she was reduced to babbling, “DADDY, I WANT TO GO HOME RIGHT NOW!” The $200 of medical chocolate, palliative potato chips, soothing submarine sandwiches and various other sundries I bought the night before notwithstanding, no first aid could ease this weary soldier’s pain.
Still, even in our momentary setback, there was no doubting the courage we showed in NOT CATCHING A SINGLE GODDAMNED FISH. FOR INSTANCE, I THINK IT WAS SINGULARLY HEROIC OF ME NOT TO OPEN THAT BOTTLE OF WINE ON THE TABLE THAT HAS BEEN TORMENTING MY PACIFISM FOR THE LAST 45 MOTHERFUCKING DAYS.
Right now, I am working on how I can possibly save even more fish next year. I'm pretty sure it will involve playing golf.
13 comments:
HA! What a great time to stop drinking! YOU DAMNED FOOL!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!
*sigh*
I tease because I love. Also, because my own current pain and anxiety threshold has been exceeded and I have no one to hit or kick. So, y'know. Sorry, Brandon.
*kick*
Sorry.
Go fish!
This made me smile. And I'm not just saying that because you're hot.
[uncomfortable silence]
i actually groaned out loud at 'give pizza chants'
sir, it's amazing how much tolerance to kicking you build up when you have small children who need to pee.
jodie, i love that game! i have a specially designed deck of cards with no matching pairs.
peefer, the uncomfortable silence is where i put my moves on. it is usually followed by uncomfortable violence.
thanks, mainja! i have been on fire with the puns lately, and by 'on fire,' i mean there is a burning sensation in my nether regions. this must be why peefer said i'm hot.
Burning sensation? Not again!
Perhaps you needed fishin' chips, NOT potato chips.
Why is there a bottle of wine on the table?
Did you ever watch "The Young Ones?" (Just the response to Peefer reminds me of a quote from it.)
miss syl, the bottle of wine was purchased right before i quit drinking. it is sitting next to a can of Steel Reserve that purchased right after I got pulled over (TO CALM MY NERVES, NATURALLY). i thought alex was going to drink it, but she's teetotaling in moral support, i suppose.
i have not seen the young ones. but i am high on Doctor Who.
The quote is one of my favorites ever:
"This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence."
I vote for being wasteful. Throw the "but...perfectly good!" wine and beer in the trash, unopened, on trash night. Let the big trucks smash it and take it away forever. It makes a distinct statement to the synapses about who's the Alpha dog.
Eh, I should have just repeated, "Why is there a bottle of wine on the table?"
Socrates was infinitely cooler than Dr. Phil.
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