Tomorrow is opening day, and there is a raging debate going on right now about how young is too young for joining in the ritualized slaughter of fish named rather ironically after rainbows. But if I have learned anything this year (AND I ASSURE YOU THAT IS NOT THE CASE) it is that members of both sexes are equally capable of suffering at an early age. So sobriety be damned, tomorrow morning at 3 AM, god willing, I will have two miserable children in the boat with me, and each will likely learn what it means to work together for a common cause, and that cause will be taking turns whining, “CAN WE GO HOME NOW, BRANDON?”
They cannot call me ‘DAD’ because it would be embarrassing for the other fishermen to realize that I don’t have any friends and must rely on my children for forced companionship. For all of Alex’s wonderful features and shiny buttons, she has still not warmed to the prospect of murdering god’s creatures, not even those that were clearly bred for that very purpose (MISSION FULFILLMENT).
One tradition that will be cast by the wayside this year, sadly, is massive amounts of alcoholic consumption. Tomorrow is 45 days liquor free, which is probably the sentence I would have been serving had I done like the officer said and blew harder. THAT’S WHAT HE SAID. It really is what he said.
Do you know pathetic it is to be bent over sucking on a breathalyzer and trying not to giggle with a big, burly man looming over you shouting “COME ON, BLOW! HARDER! BLOW HARDER!”
Well, now you do.
I promised myself that I wouldn’t joke about this, but that was ages ago when I thought it was a moot promise being as how alcohol was the source of my humor. But I attended a banquet yesterday, where I interacted with strangers, including a very lovely young communications specialist, and I realized I HAVE STILL GOT IT. She was handing me the rolls, and then the little packets of margarine, which I promptly dropped onto the floor. But without missing a beat, I looked at her and said, ‘OOOPS….BUTTERFINGERS.”
Her long silence clearly proved that…oh never mind.
13 comments:
You had me at butterfingers.
...yeppers, that delete was me; can't stand the mispell.
You should be proud that having taught your children to fish, you'll be assuring their ability to eat for a lifetime according to that tired saying about giving people a fish and their eating it for a day.
Also, the monkeys on that shirt seem to be taking a great deal of delight in the trout's unfortunate circumstances.
Why have just one miserable child in the boat, when you could have two? In fact, wouldn't you like to borrow mine for the day? I'll gladly send them to you and then you can have 5 miserable children in the boat. What fun!
Brandon:
Are Alex's "shiny buttons" the kind one sees on a military uniform or on a double, breasted navy blue blazer, or does she have On/Off buttons?
Someday we'll have to get together, Brandon, because Billy has not only to appreciate this exact type of humor, but in fact use it in inappropriate situations on a regular basis. It's actually quite liberating, as I'm sure I don't have to tell you.
Congrats on 45 days, by the way. That is no small accomplishment. If you were in AA you'd be halfway to a shiny new coin! And what could be better than that!!
And that should have been, "taught me to appreciate." I need to hire a proofreader.
jodie, i thought it was clever, too, but i think the joke must have slipped her mind.
sir, that is a great saying. It works for every food except 'leek.'
e, send them! i have $150 worth of snack food in the boat to supplement the fish we will not catch.
leezer, i keep alex turned ON at all times because i like to waste energy. is it hot in here, OR IS THAT GLOBAL WARMING??? mmm...
hello, caitlin regan, congratulations! ps, if billy is anything like me you now have a live in proofreader who definitely does not have a disable function.
that said! i am more faithful, to spelling than i be to grammar. and punctuation?
good luck; hope you catch more than one fish this year!
round one goes to the fish. i just dropped off two very miserable, very chilly children and will go back to avenge their defeat.
dang.
So glad you take your kids fishing. My father did that too. Great memories in the making.
It was a great day. Everything was perfect except for the actually fishing part.
dang
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