\ Happily ever after

From my private, very nearly abandoned LJ.

I have my new pair of trail shoes, and it is just in time because I want to save my ASICS for the road, they are just not made for the bare roots and river rock and occasional need to jump three feet in the air because what was that? A garter snake? A skink? A mentos wrapper? I turned my heel twice on the path, so I needed these adidas desperately, and plus Alex said ENOUGH, I AM LEAVING AGAIN I MEAN IT and this time it hit harder than the last, because eventually she will mean it.

I think these shoes are more stable than even my Avias, and how observant am I to realize that all my shoes start with the letter A, as does Alex, and have I run all over her? I am causing all this, but am lucky in that neither of us really would even know where to begin. We are hopelessly tangled, and most days happy to be so. We are instead kicking her mother out of the house and feel like the worst children on earth. But something has got to give, and her sister lives just up the street, with no kids and two spare bedrooms, and why didn't we think of this before?

I am painfully guilty of terrible ugliness the past couple of weeks, and yesterday was an unredeemable work of art. We had our regularly scheduled shouting match, and I took the day off from work, worked on my book, and said, "YOU ARE MESSING UP MY RUN AGAIN." and by 9 I had gone through half a bottle of vermouth. By 9:30 a bottle of champagne. By 10 I had already said over the phone YOU ARE PUTTING US AS PRIORITY NUMBERS TWO THROUGH FOUR and hung up. I gathered the kids into the car, with Tristan's 9 year old friend and we drove to the store where I bought everyone ice cream and cheetos, and myself a big bottle of malt liquor and we went to the baseball field where we batted around, and the boys chased me but could never catch me, even though I hit it into shallow left, a Texas leaguer, and ran all the bases, I am fast.

And at home, I made hot dogs for the kids and went into my room, passed out onto the bed. The kids wholly unsupervised. When I came to it was utterly dark and I wandered into the kitchen, and I think I was out for 4 or 5 hours, and Alex had kicked her mom out, said I had ruined everyone's life and I was a drunk and a bastard and that was it. It's over.

And later I made it right, and if I can give up smoking cold turkey, maybe liquor will be even quicker. I hate the way I write when sober. I had to respond to some interview questions today, and 6 simple paragraphs took me 4 hours, and I was so miserable. I got home at 7:30 and have to walk to my bedroom under the uncomfortable stare of my mother in law, who is here until Friday to watch the kids until we arrange day care. It is so miserable that I said, 'You know, maybe you should stop coming back to me every time I change my ways.' And she kissed me on the cheek and sometimes I am so completely confused by it all.