every year i promise to empty the SWEAR JAR and never curse in front of the children again and then the older one, the one who should be wiser, brings home the fundraiser catalog du jour and i drop my watch into the jar, because i'm out of cash and i need my credit card for peach schnapps. agh.
he tells us that if we can just get our friends to buy $250 worth of peanut butter brittle then he will get to be in the ELITE KIDS CLUB.
i say, BUT WE DO NOT HAVE ANY FRIENDS. MUCH LESS FRIENDS WITH $250.
he tells us that if he gets into the ELITE KIDS CLUB then he will get to ride to school in a limo with the OTHER ELITE KIDS.
i say, I WILL LET YOU DRIVE MY TRUCK FOR $250.
he reminds me that he is only 9 years old.
i say, THAT'S WHY I SAID YOU CAN DRIVE MY TRUCK AND NOT MY CAR.
he tells us that the fundraiser is for a good cause: EDUCATION.
i say, BUT THOSE FUNDRAISERS SEND LESS THAN 25% OF THE MONEY YOU EARN BACK TO THE SCHOOL! WHY DON'T I JUST CUT OUT THE MIDDLEMAN AND GIVE THE SCHOOL $70? IN FACT WHY DON'T I JUST CUT THE MIDDLEMAN? I AM GOING TO CUT SOMEBODY!
he tells me that he doesn't want to look uncool.
i say, Yeah. I know.
...
The good thing about the Swear Jar is that every year it almost nearly covers the $250 in peanut brittle. Maybe next year we'll switch to votives and perhaps cut down on our heating and electrical costs. Motherfuckers.
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15 comments:
Yes, there's nothing as effective as using children as guilt-receptacles in order to rape their parents' pocketbooks. You're so lucky!
In 4th grade our class won the fundraiser and our prize was this ugly, 15 foot stuffed snake. The fuck?
sir, this is why i never allow my pocketbook to go out unchaperoned or wear slutty clothes.
jennie! i'm adding a quarter to the Swear Jar on your behalf, potty mouth. thanks!
potty mouth is more offensive than fuck (I mean the image is well, yuck)
i never really thought of it in those terms. i'm going to put a $10 check in the swear jar now.
in addition to the 25 cents on your behalf! thanks!
So I swear, and you pay? God, I love this country, motherfucker.
eclectic, because i don't think i have ever heard you curse, i am not sure whether to put a whole dollar in the swear jar or nothing at all. if you had said something like 'shoot' or 'fiddly dee' I wouldn't be so conflicted, dagnabbit.
I think eclectic is trying to toughen up her image. She's still pretty pissed that you tried to say she didn't have herpes.
I was that cool kid that got to ride to school in limo 'cause I sold like $8000 in magazine subscriptions.
They failed to stock the mini-bar though. motherfuckers.
va bag pe toti in pizda mamelor voastre!!
how much for THAT one?
1,000 lei, at least.
So far I have only had to curse at the neighbors kids about this... so far
oh, dude. cursing at OTHER people's kids? that's gotta be at least a 5 spot in the Swear Jar.
ka-ching!
Do I live under a rock? I just figured out the swear jar reference reading the comments. Before that I figured you were just fucking nuts, calling your penny/change jar a swear jar.
If our house had a swear jar we'd be rich or bankrupt. One of those.
This reminds me of the Nookie Jar. You and your partner each put in a buck every time you fuck. The first year it's always a huge windfall and can fund a nice vacation. After that you can go the rest of your life and never accrue as much total as you had that first year. Alternatively you can just take a buck out each time after the first year and you'll never be broke.
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