/ further. faster. goatsier.

I exercise due diligence during the leadership team retreat, because I am still seen as the YOUNG LAD of the bunch, and I don't do anything to dissuade this notion, because it gets me off the hook. Instead of official reprimands in my HR file, I get disapproving looks and admonishments of "I AM SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BRANDON." To which I answer, "I am so sorry for being late, but do you know how hard it is to find dress shoes with velcro straps?" And they melt. They just melt, tousle my hair and at these moments I sometimes remember sitting in the backseat going through the bank's drive-thru window, the teller would always drop a lollipop in with the receipt.

SO WE ARE GOING TO WORK ON MISSION AND VISIONING STATEMENTS. WE'LL BE AT THIS FOR AWHILE, SO PLEASE DON'T EAT ALL THE CANDY AT ONCE.

Everyone looks at me. I am ready for it. I've already got a pile of wrappers on my notebook, and have smeared chocolate onto my upper lip and nose. I shrug my shoulders, guiltily. And they melt. They just melt.

I am coasting through this, imagining my most recent daytime fantasy, which for some reason involves me running my morning route along the lake, being attacked by a mountain lion and drowning the beast with my bare hands, carrying it up the street, readying for my interview on local TV. "REALLY, ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF A SMALL CHILD HAD BEEN WALKING BY? I ONLY DID WHAT ANY PERSON WOULD DO. I REJECT THE TERM HERO. IN MY MIND, TEACHERS ARE THE REAL HEROES."

But idyll is shattered, when someone says, "OUR STATEMENT NEEDS TO BE HIP. WE NEED TO CONNECT TO GEN X." "NO! GEN Y!" "OOOH, YES, BRANDON KNOWS THEM! TELL US HOW TO CONNECT, BRANDON!"

And I am totally like, you know, whatever. So I say, tongue in cheek, "HOW ABOUT 'COLLEGE 2.0?'"

And I am just waiting for them to get the joke, because it's not really all that clever, it would be saying something like, 'AT OUR COLLEGE, CAN IS THE NEW CAN'T,' so you know, not funny, but it would be funny for them. I'm assuming.

"THAT IS WONDERFUL!"

"BRILLIANT!"

"OOH! WE ARE GOING TO BE THE BEST GROUP!"

And I am like, "What?"

And they are like, "GIVE US SOME MORE IDEAS!"

And I do not know if they understand or if they are pulling my chain, and it's confusing, and my gut reaction is to smear chocolate on my face and say in a squeaky voice, 'I HAVE TO MAKE POTTY,' but they look soooo serious.

So I say, "AT OUR COLLEGE, CAN IS THE NEW CAN'T?"

"TERRIFIC!"

"YOU ARE KILLING US WITH YOUR IDEAS!"

"MORE!"

"Um. Okay. Well, how about, 'WASHINGTON GOT EDU?'"

They are orgasmic.

"Edgier!" someone says, and I offer, "COLLEGE! ZOMG!"

"DON'T STOP, BRANDON!"

"CROMULENCE IN EDUCATION."

"THOU HATH SMOTE ME WITH THINE BRILLIANCE!"

"DO SOMETHING RELATED TO MYSPACE!"

"YES, ALL THE GEN XERS ARE MYSPACING!" ("GEN YERS!" someone corrects.)

"Um, how about, 'MI SPACE ES SU SPACE.'"

"QUE BUENO!"

"Wait, what if we want to make them feel like we appreciate everyone for his or her own unique personality?"

"Oh. How about, 'WE WELCOME ALL YOUR MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES.'"

I think one of the participants actually passed out after this one.

"WHAT IF WE WANT TO INSPIRE THEM?"

"INSPIRE U."

"Oooh! That IS inspiring!" ("It even has INSPIRE in the motto!")

"How do we get more kids to stop dropping out?"

"CTRL + ALT + COMPLETE."

"How do we increase our gender diversity?"

"YOU'VE GOT MALES."

"HOW CAN WE BE CUTER?"

"IN UR SCHOOLZ LEARNIN UR CHILDRENZ"

"What?"

"I CAN HAS COLLEGE?"

"I don't get that one."

"YOU'RE THE MAN NOW DOG."

"You're kind of going over our heads now, Brandon."

"FURTHER. FASTER. GOATSIER."

LOL