I am reliving '03, hip deep in codes and regulations, trying to save some stranger a few bucks on the dream of a higher education. The edits and revisions to the book I wrote on financial aid have yielded new tips and unwelcome secrets, such as how leaving your state of residence blank on the FAFSA could SAVE YOU BIG and how lying about your parent's age could LOSE YOU LOTS and how reading between the lines could reveal that THE AUTHOR WAS A BIT FUCKED UP, MUCH?
As always, I have already missed my first deadline, but as I told Chris once, every editor I've ever worked with KNOWS I DON'T EVEN START WRITING UNTIL THE DAY AFTER THE DEADLINE, DON'T THEY? I am not asking them to fire me, but they should know by now to take an alarm clock approach to my work schedule: set that timeline a good 15 minutes ahead of what time it actually is, let me have a few swipes at the snooze button. You'll get your productivity. All in good time.
I've already burned through two editors again, and I haven't even submitted anything, because I just know that I am the type of writer that publishing houses stick their rookies on, learn those lessons so that they can reach grizzled good and early. I am impossible and charming. You love me for ME but hate me for WHAT I AM. I even warned this last one that I would be the death of her and big clumps of her pretty blonde hair, and she said, 'OH YOU. YOU ARE TOO FUNNY TO CAUSE ME ANY GRIEF.' She lasted a week.
BE ON YOUR TOES, I bet they have written in my file. THIS ONE HAS ISSUES THAT PLUNGE MUCH DEEPER THAN SECTION 682.211(i) OF THE HIGHER EDUCATION RECONCILIATION ACT OF 2005.
FOR EXAMPLE
(Lines that I recommended in my financial aid book, and their edited results):
SUBMITTED TEXT #1:
"Financial aid is based on need, so the needier you are, the better off you'll be. Hey, that reminds me of a joke. How is financial aid different from my college girlfriend? If you guessed 'Financial Aid is not a cold heartless bitch,' you probably already heard it at one of my high school workshops."
EDITED TO READ:
"Financial aid is based on need, so the needier you are, the better off you'll be. Sounds like the perfect formula for an unhealthy relationship."
P.3 'THE PROCESS'
SUBMITTED TEXT #2:
"You know, the other day, I was on a business trip and I stopped in this really cool looking bar, and it was just full of dudes, but the drinks were REALLY strong and made me a little dizzy, and there was this one cute guy who kept telling me how pretty my eyes were. GOD, TMI, MUCH? Sorry, I don't know where I was going with that."
EDITED TO READ:
"If you're curious about what college life outside your state is like, or if you always wanted to take a few courses in an obscure subject not offered at your in-state college, the National Student Exchange might be the thing for you."
P. 97 'THE STATE SYSTEM'
SUBMITTED TEXT #3:
"OH MY GOD WHY WILL SHE NOT RETURN MY cALLS.!!? fuckk. AGH!"
EDITED TO READ:
"Remember that financial aid administrators are just like people (well, practically indistinguishable, anyway). They are subject to the same fits of anger and happiness as anyone else."
P.160 'THE SECRETS'
I hate to break this to you people, but the only thing that keeps you from the TRUTH is underpaid editors trying to work their way up the publishing food chain.
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8 comments:
Awww, this reminds me fondly of February, when my life was a living hell--well, actually, if was a living freeze, or maybe it was January, no matter, it was still pretty freezing--but the point was that my life was miserable and I couldn't meet a deadline to save my sorry curriculum-writing ass, and you, like the big brother - mentor - friend - hearken my advice, I have gone before thee deadline-fucker that you are, made me feel not so alone about the fact that I was nightmaring about irregular verb charts and spiking my hot cocoa heartily but not a word was I able to write. (Or get to my editor within a remotely sane time frame.) I love you, Brando.
ooh, man, i should post the email where barnes and noble said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and then tore me a new asshole. it was like the most embarrassing dress down i've ever gotten. you would really love me then.
I believe you sent me some sort of excerpt or quote from it to make me feel better. You always know what to say!
Well, I only had one nice email from potential editor. I responded, with enthusiasm, and said "yes, all of those ideas are great. Should I do a and b and c?" and then never heard back. Apprently I must prove myself worthy first. I've been on a long quest to find the golden ring since then. But I have a feeling it's going to be a while. :)
what's this?
they didn't assign Maxwell Perkins to you?
brutes!
Five reasons I hate this post:
1. I don't hate this post.
2. Remember that time you made those captions for those warning signs? Those were hilarious.
3. Today I read a blog post in which someone was going on and on about how The Simpson's Movie wasn't funny. I guess she was expecting something with more substance or something. Why the fuck did she even go to see the movie?
4. Is the country of China names after Chinatown? I've been wondering that.
5. Hello, Brandon.
I'm so glad to have found you alive and well and still writing.
Bless (a)l(e)x for linking you.
Cheers,
femme d'espoir
hhh! we cannot say too many nice things about alex because it will go to his head, and he is a much better writer when angry and intoxicated.
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