beaver_seal

beaver_seal

A man was minding his own business in Florida the other day, just trying to freebase or snortle or whatever it is they’re calling it, not wearing any clothes, you see, and basically living by the Hippocratic directive of ‘first do no harm unto the others,’ when WHAM-O! an alligator decides to take out his aggressions on this crack-head or crack-ho or crack-er or whatever it’s called, by EATING HIM! or at least dragging him out into the lake and eating his arm while he screamed! ‘HELP ME! MY CRACK! HELP ME! MY CRACK!’ and all of a sudden, two law enforcement representatives (undercover? I don’t know, the story didn’t say, and I don’t think it’s relevant or admissible.) jump into the suddenly blood- and crack-infested waters and win a tug-of-war match with the beast, unless winning means you have to get the ENTIRE body back, in which case it was a tie. Plus it was just ONE alligator against two beefy homeland security types, so you could even say it was a moral victory for the animal, and I don’t know much about crack other than it burns the back of your throat, but now that this man only has one arm, I’m guessing he’s going to have to switch to one of those ‘single limb’ drugs, like rohypnol or oxycontin (the baggie version, not the stuff that comes in those child proof vials, because, well, obviously).

And the sad thing is, I can TOTALLY relate to this man because I KNOW what he was doing as he was lying there naked along the banks of the decorative lake of some wealthy housing development smoking crack cocaine and fingering his colon (that part’s not in the story, but you KNOW he was, because that’s half the allure of crack, and very likely why it’s called crack in the first place):

he was waiting for UPS to deliver the camera they PROMISED they would deliver in TWO days and now it’s SIX days later and still, NO CAMERA!

What I’m trying to say is that I hope they shoot the alligator, and I hope the first shot misses or is otherwise not immediately fatal.

*editor's note - the camera has arrived. the love affair begins.