steel resolve

.

Nothing screams LOOK AT ME like carrying a bouquet of flowers across a college campus. Well, maybe telling airport security that your penis pump is in fact a bomb so that your mother (who is traveling with you to Turkey) doesn’t realize you are carrying a penis pump screams LOOK AT ME like carrying a bouquet of flowers. And maybe walking your dog wielding a pipe in a futile attempt to ward off MANCOONS screams LOOK AT ME like carrying a bouquet of flowers across a college campus. And maybe, just MAYBE, bearing the living fetus of your twin brother within your belly for 36 years SCREAMS HELP ME JESUS.

FEW things OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD scream LOOK AT ME like carrying a bouquet of flowers across a college campus.

/cue the ducks

I was just recovering from two failed marketing soundbites, one for our Custodial Engineer certificate program (“We take students from the classroom to the cleaners!”) and one for our Culinary Arts program (“Hard-boiled Eggs: Tasty, nutritious, incapable of withstanding the extreme heat of being left in your car all day.”), when I realized that with the stress of the last couple of weeks, I’ve been somewhat crabby around the house. So I picked up a bouquet at our Floral Design program.

And suddenly, a once empty campus was full of women.

And suddenly, my building faded from view like a forced perspective shot in a horror film.

And suddenly, I realized that women are incapable of seeing a man carrying flowers without thinking either A. I REMEMBER ROMANCE or B. WHAT DID HE DO?

And suddenly, I remembered that I am incapable of walking normally when I think that other people are looking at me.

And suddenly, I thought I needed to come up with some lines to use in response to the inevitable and forthcoming onslaught of giggles and awwws.

Here is what I said.

“HOPE THIS WORKS.”
and
“SIX WEEKS TO LIVE MY ASS.”

TANGENT

A while back, a co-worker once yelled at me. I KNOW! Me. She. Yelled. At. Me.

And ever since, I've carried around a brochure titled, “Hello, Co-Worker! Here are some appropriate things you can do to me!"

* Compliment my shoes.
* Go down on me in the supply closet.
* NOT YELL AT ME

And here are some things you cannot do to me:

* Yell at me.
* Give me herpes.

It’s a work in progress.