Sunny.
So it begins. So it always begins.
Sadly, we didn’t tell you. It always rains on TequilaCon.
And I always come home with a new umbrella.
Somewhere in the Middle
Somewhere in the middle, my pledge to ‘take it easy’ took it on the run, baby, and all the old insecurities paid me recompense as I came face to face with writers who intimidate me with their words and charm. Lucky, lucky, lucky me. Always amazed with how full my heart can feel when the realization that THEY ARE SO MUCH MORE IN REAL LIFE. They are. I love that these people would spend even a moment on me and seem content.
Chapter 1
Several events remain indelibly marked into my psyche. My birth, for one, because the doctors in West Memphis clearly should have known to opt for C-Section how big was my hair in utero. And beverages. Beverages are also indelibly marked into MY PANTS BECAUSE 30 MINUTES BEFORE LANDING IN NYC THE PASSENGER NEXT TO ME SPILLED HIS ENTIRE DRINK ONTO MY BODILY PERSON.
An ominous beginning to TEQUILACON06.
Per usual.
Towards the End
Of my vices, none is more blatant than my vanity. So with great hesitation I must admit that in New York I came face to face with a woman more beautiful than any I have ever, ever seen. Good God, Marisol is a dangerously attractive person. Me and she and she and she were quite frankly stunned. And that’s no small thing since we are all supermodels ourselves. But in addition to the breathtaking beauty, she treated us to tequila and margaritas and the best MAC AND CHEESE AND HAM I have ever, ever had. And that’s saying a lot, because until that point, I was a STRICT VEGETARIAN. And so it was that drinks 14, 15, and 16 also came at someone else’s expense and grace.
I paid for one drink the entire night. But we’ll get to that momentarily.
I walked Ashlee to a cab, where I finally got the groping I had been longing for, and repaid this woman by stealing her umbrella. A gentleman. To the last.
Chapter 2
Although I had lived in upstate New York for several years, the first time I ever visited Manhattan was September 9, 2001. So very selfishly, very bizarrely, I imagined myself responsible for the destruction that ensued. The view from my hotel room, symbolic.
Although I practically lived in Rosemont, Illinois for three years, the first time I ever visited Chicago was September 23, 2005. And I only PARTIALLY feel responsible for the destruction that ensued. That was because most of the planning, per usual, for TequilaCon05 was handled by Jen. And by MOST, I mean ALL.
I do not understand how anyone who has ever been graced by her kindness and humor and curly-haired hotness cannot fall hopelessly in love with Jen. Believe me when I say I love this woman, and it’s three days after TequilaCon06 and I’m completely sober (I’m actually completely hammered) so there can be no caveat with this declaration. Jenny is a fucking goddess for pulling this together. Again.
Phone Calls
If there was a common theme to TequilaCon06, it was MY HANDS. People kept jamming their thingies into them. And by thingies, I mostly mean drinks. Colin, who is now my absolutely favorite fucking Brit in the whole world, handed me a shot of Sambuca (and I’m positive he removed the good-luck coffee beans, because he knew by that point I would prolly ha’e choked on ‘em). I don’t remember who handed me the tequila (Sarah, perhaps? btw, Sarah, had I known you were OUTSIDE SMOKING I WOULD HAVE SPENT INFINITELY MORE TIME WITH YOU). But I also drank Kat’s. And someone else’s. It was just there sitting on the table, HOW COULD I NOT?
But by ‘thingies,’ I also mean phones. I talked into a lot of cell phones, more cell phones than all the flowers of the world. I remember telling her that I missed her, no less than 40 times (sorry). I remember telling her that I so wanted to thank her for the video (don’t ask). I remember telling her that we’ll always have WenatcheeCon. I DON’T actually remember talking to her, which FRIGHTENS ME TO NO END. I’m much safer reaching out and touching people who are within touching difference. If only for the safety of nearby security guards.
Chapter 3
I remember being vastly outnumbered by beautiful girls.
The Other Parts of My Life
For someone who’s lived all around the country, being a military brat, and all, I will always be a Missouri boy at heart.
You know. Because of the beauty of the Show Me State.
Cape Girardeau Represents!
And though I keep getting his name wrong, I just KNEW Dustin would be a sweet and welcome addition to the fold. And if he ever outdresses me at another TequilaCon, he will be persona non grata.
AmeriCorps Represents!
Chapter 4
There was a moment in Chicago when I refused to believe the good fortune of finding myself among the kindness of strangers, because nothing used to frighten me more than having my perceptions of the world shattered. I think that moment was after I freebased tylenol PM and before I wore out my welcome at the public toilet. But what a moment. I still think about that trip whenever I feel unsure and uninteresting and friendless. I revisited the peace that is finding yourself among the other internet crazies (not THOSE crazies, this ain’t MYSPACE, after all). I am proud of how well I accepted compliments during TequilaCon06. How nice it felt to be adorable and funny and unconquerable by liquors far and wide. Oh, to meet new friends and longstanding idols.
Most of all, however, I’m proud that not one single person asked me to recite any Journey lyrics.
‘Cause then, well, there goes the charade.
Epilogue
Really, does it ever end? Regrets remain, sure. I was one floor removed from Caitlin , and for that, the event will always have an asterisk. I never sneaked into the express elevators where Dan works and dressed up like the cleaning crew JUST FOR THE EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE. I didn’t get to impress my friends with Asia’s absolute genius. I regret that once more, I find myself looking forward, without fully appreciating all that was.
Mostly, I regret that I woke up on Sunday AFTERNOON with all the LIGHTS FULLY ON, and immediately realized two things: 1. I remember EVERYTHING and 2. After 17 alcoholic beverages I had ABSOLUTELY NO HEADACHE.
I regret this, because it can only mean one thing.
I am the anti-Christ. Or, you know, damned in any case.
TEQUILACONPACNW07!!!!!
This time, it’s personal.
No comments:
Post a Comment