Prologue
Smurf cannot be used as a verb. Noun, adjective or adverb, only. That’s why blog is not a good analogy.
Blog can be a verb.
Wow, this blog really blogs blogtastically.
Bloggy?
You blog your blog it does.
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Scene from Day Four
I'm standing in the kitchen holding a glass.
Vut are you dreenking?
A bloggy mary.
Vut eez een eet?
Club soda, red grenadine and table wine. You know, pretty much the only things we had left.
You shouldn't dreenk so much.
I know.
Vell, you certainly have your vice.
Yeah. ADvice.
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For Day Five, I have faithfully lived by the mantra take care of your health. This primarily means I have given up on 90% of my morning ritual. No third cup of coffee. No alcohol. No cigarette butts. No rodeo hooker at the horse ranch on my way to work. No hateful thoughts.
Avoiding hateful thoughts has been the most difficult. I regret that I have made no plans to visit Mt. Rushmore because it would feel good to cancel those reservations. Black Hills Gold is just tacky. I’ve already given up packaged beef for other, more selfish reasons. Forced birthing works just fine for the cattle industry. Maybe I can add ‘hold down this here leg’ to my exercise routine. 20 reps. For my health.
My health is more important to me now more than ever before, because if I die today, I am afraid that Heaven will be like they say, and there’s nothing worse than ‘I Told You Sos’ meted out by Televangelists on one side of the street and Harem Chiefs on the other. Gah. I need time to prepare if either of these extremes comes to pass in the next life.
Most of all, I need time to prepare for the ‘You make me sad’ lecture.
I’d prefer not to burn in Heaven, people. And I hope if you see me running in the shadows from the authorities, you’ll take me in and hide me in your cellar for just one evening. I promise not to make any noise. I never have. In fact, I’ve got the epitaph pre-engraved:
Here lies one of the quietest of boys.
Truly. He really never made that much noise.
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Did I mention that I didn’t drink any liquor today? It could explain the strange hallucinations I’ve been seeing in the world. And for dinner I had vegetable soup and diet cola. And I have exercised, working abdominal and chest muscles. I rode the stationary bike at the 6th highest tension for 30 minutes, while listening to Chapter 5 of the Prince of Tides in audiobook format.
I have not acted so healthily in such a long, long time.
As a child, I climbed a pecan tree in the front yard to build up my upper body. And I ran away to strengthen my legs. And I listened to what people told me, to exercise my mind.
I am sad that I can no longer do any of these things.
Results:
For Day Five, I Took Care of My Health.
Do I feel a little happier?
I feel heartbroken and desperately in need of a drink.
Tomorrow:
Practice positive thinking.
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