This Is Totally Not Me

Stop before you start falling
Foolish heart, heed my warning
You've been wrong before
Don't be wrong anymore

I hate having a friend with a problem, because people always think that I am ‘the friend’ in question, and because I’m easily frustrated and of simple mind, I usually wind up confessing to being so, even though it’s not really true. It’s totally not.

Cue the ducks

Me: So, Sarah, you’re a urologist, right?

Sarah: Yes.

Me: Well, let’s say I have this friend (rolling my eyes already, because I know she already thinks I’m actually talking about ME), and every morning his, uh, wood is so, er, persistent, that he can’t use the toilet. Er, you know, not unless he could do a handstand. Er, with one hand. Or unless his wife wants to help hold him upside down by his feet. Or, well, you get the idea.

Sarah: Hmm, well how long has your, er ‘friend’ (giggles) had this problem?

Me: Okay, look, now don’t. Don’t do that. This is NOT me! It REALLY IS MY FRIEND, all right?

Sarah: Fine, fine, I believe you. Have you tried going about your morning routine first?

Me: What? I SAID IT’S NOT ME!

Sarah: Oh! Sorry, I mean has your friend (does imaginary quotation thing with fingers) tried going…

Me: WHY? TELL ME, PLEASE! WHY? WHY DO YOU MAKE IMAGINARY QUOTATION THINGIES WITH YOUR FINGERS? YOU THINK IT’S ME, THAT'S WHY! BUT I’M TELLING YOU, MAN, IT’S TOTALLY NOT ME!

Sarah: Do you think this is something to be ashamed of?

Me: No, no, of course not, it’s just that…

Sarah: Well, you’re absolutely correct, there’s no reason to be embarrassed at all. So whether it’s your friend or anyone else (raises eyebrows at me) is beside the point, right?

Me: Yeah. Sorta. I guess so.

Sarah: Well, you guessed right. So, how long have you had this problem?

Me: (utterly defeated) Oh, about a year, I think. Maybe less, I can’t remember.

Sarah: And how have you been relieving yourself in the meantime?

Me: Oh, I don’t know. Just doing it in the shower.

Sarah: The shower? (Takes an involuntary step backwards) That’s disgusting!

Me: I know. Sometimes I go in the yard if it’s not too chilly.

Sarah: (Makes look of horror)

Me: Oh, that reminds me. My friend asked me to tell you that he thinks you’re hot. He’s totally into you.

Sarah: Tell your friend there’s no chance in hell.

Me: I’m looking forward to it.