Good Luck. You're Gonna Need It.

Episode IV No Hope
I just got an email reminding me that I am impossibly behind on submitting the final 7 chapters of a book I’ve been working on. Well, if by working on you mean drinking previously-believed-to-be-deadly amounts of tequila and wondering why Luke Skywalker dragged Darth Vader to the imperial shuttle rather than using the force to fling him across the Death Star in Episode VI, then, uh, oh good lord did this turn into a non sequitur, or what?

Episode V Less Hope
But through the power of blogging, I can somehow come out on top. There are well over 1,000 people on my blogroll. If just each one of you would be willing to donate $725, I would of course be able to not only finish the remaining chapters, but also console myself with a trip to Vegas because I cannot in fact finish those chapters, no matter how much money you all send me. Even if you each send photos of your naked breasts, I still probably wouldn’t be able to understand why the hell Luke doesn’t remove Leia’s clothing with the force:

Leia: * dress flies over head * Goddamn it, Luke! That’s not what the Force is for.
Luke: sorry
Leia: * dress flies over head again * Stop it!
Chewy: * humps Han’s leg * Ahhhhhhhhrrrrrrr!
Hugh Reilly: What? Timmy fell down a well?

Episode VI Fucked
OHHHH, they were brother and sister.

Episode I The Start of 25 Years of Hopelessness
Please. Somebody send me photos of your bare breasts. I haven’t seen enough breasts in my life. Not real ones anyway. Not female ones anyway. Except for dog teats.

Episode II Sombitch
Me: * Lifts shirt over wife from behind, quickly backs away and closes eyes, points two fingers at her, appears to concentrate *
Alex: Vut zee hell are you doing? Do you theenk you are Luke Skyvalker?
Me: * drops hands, falls to floor * They’re just too big. I don’t believe it.
Alex: Dees is vy you fail.

Episode III Gaa
I thank you tequila from whence you came
I kiss the agave and praise your name
You give me strength and make me lame
My internal organs burn with cirrhosis and I cannot go on. I guess you didn’t really love me back, unless by love me back you mean you gave me a deadly illness and laughed at my gray stools and missed deadliens.

That’s right. I said deadliens. Laugh if you must, if by laugh you mean you'll send me photos of your breasts in an envelope filled with 7 $100 bills and $25 worth of Sacajawea coins.