Are you like me? Do you like making up fairy tales for your kids? For yourself, even? Sure you do, you old so-and-so!
Of course, my wife and children weren’t the only ones to leave me this week! My parents decided this would be a great week to go to Vegas! Are you kidding me? Ha ha! And would I mind feeding their birds? Oh, man, I tell ya! Ha ha!
Did I mention they have like 600 birds? I didn’t? Well, I should have, because it’s a riot! Ha! Did I mention I like to make up fairy tales for my kids? Well, my kids are gone, so why don’t you pull up a seat, and let me tell you a story?
My Day with Mother FN Goose, A Fairy Tale by Brandon Rogers
Once upon a Saturday in April, amid a burgeoning spring time morn, when the cool breeze made me bundle up in my flannel and bourbon, I took a stroll down to Longmire Lane, the home of my parents, who decided to fly to Vegas and gamble away my college savings since I won a scholarship.
And who should greet me upon my arrival? That’s right, that’s right! Mr. Rooster! ‘Bock-bock!’ said Mr. Rooster, and I said, ‘Oh, you’re just too cute, there fella! Now remember, if you run at me and peck my ankle like you did last time, I’ll kick ya! Yes I will! I’ll kick you good’n’hard!’
The next friend I saw was Gray Goose! But Gray Goose didn’t stay and visit because he heard what I said to Mr. Rooster, and he understood full and well that my warning applies to all of God’s creatures on my parents’ little farm! Yes it does!
Quickly I went inside! Because I get to feed my parents’ inside birds! ‘How come you got so many birds, Mom and Dad?’ I remember askin’ one day. ‘Does the screaming of a bunch of caged animals wallowing in their own feces remind you of my childhood? I’m touched!’ And I screamed like a wounded Conure, because that’s what I feel like sometimes, and because it was funny!
Hello, you, whatever you are!
And you, too, happy morning!
My, that’s a lovely ankle bracelet, Martha!
So back outside I went after raiding through my folks’ liquor cabinet! Old people sure do keep a lot of booze, don’t they!
But this is where the fairy tale turns slightly dark, because wouldn’t you know it, I had come face to face with Mother FN Goose.
Mother FN Goose had never met me before, and wasn’t aware of my propensity for violence towards small animals.
Mother FN Goose gave me a once over, with her crazy glass eye. I wasn’t even gonna try and talk myself through this one. I simply reared back with my right foot and…
But Mother FN Goose was fast! She darted to the right!
And in a blur she was coming at me!
She reared back and hissed in fury!
Get the hell off my property! she screamed.
And she came at me and for the first time I noticed that unlike the fairy tales, geese have teeth!
Filthy, dirty, bacteria infected teeth like kimodo dragons!
Because I have a masters degree in education I knew I was bested, I ran towards the car, looking back ashamedly as Mother FN Goose mocked me in victory.
I returned home, to be comforted by my own birds, the two-headed Junco.
And the crazy Steller Jay.
The end.
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