If we know we’re going to tumble later in the sack, we reject lists of foods like attorneys wrangling over a jury.
Me: You, number 13 in the back. Do you contain garlic?
Food Juror #13: Yes, but only a little, and really it’s elephant garlic, so super mild, and …
Me: Thank you, you’re dismissed.
Alex: You, number vun, are you vith curry deesh?
Food Juror #1: (whispering to Food Juror #2) What the hell did she say?
Food Juror #2: I don’t know. I think she asked if you’re curry.
Food Juror #1: Yes?
Alex: Da, I theenk not. You are deesmeesed.
Food Juror #1: Huh?
Food Juror #2: She said you can go.
Me: You, number 7, it says you list yourself as an oriental chicken entrée…
Food Juror #7: Uh, yes, sesame chicken salad with…
Me: Thank you, you are dismissed.
Alex: Vut eez vrong vith cheeken?
Me: It’s not the cheeken I have a problem with, it’s watching those sesame seeds stuck in your teeth.
Alex: MY teeth! You son of beetch!
Me: Hey, you get rid of hummus, I get rid of sesame chicken. What’s your deal with garbanzo beans during the whole thing, anyway?
Alex: Eet’s not the dooring zat vorries me, eet’s zee after.
Me: THAT WAS SEVEN YEARS AGO, WOMAN!
Alex: You, number 9, vut the hell are you?
Me: Easy, now! That’s clearly shrimp paella!
Food Juror #9: I’m dismissed, aren’t I?
Alex: Da! Geet zee hell out! Nasty seafood!
1 hour later
Me: Okay, so no to asparagus…
Alex: No to anyzeeng from Meedle, Far or Near East…
Me: Okay, nothing with any sort of spice or god forbid actual flavor…
Alex: No to any veird shapes or colors zat geet stuck in teeth…
Me: All right, what’s that leave?
Food Juror #4: Uh, that would be me.
Alex: Fine, ve have canteloupe for deener.
Me: You know, we should be a lot skinnier than we are…
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