I'm So Blue, Merle

I’m burning in the sun
And losing my mind
Heartbreak in the summer time
Yeaaaaahhhh!

Act I
Me: “I need to exchange this phone. It doesn't work.”

Him: “Do you have the receipt?”

He takes the box without opening it, and sets it under the counter.

Him: “This isn’t the receipt, this is the ‘bill of sale.’”

Me: “I had to send the receipt to Nokia so that the phone would be ‘free’ as advertised. That’s what the salesgirl told me, anyway.”

Him: “That’s not the receipt, that’s the bill of sale.” * Blinks * “She should have made you a copy.”

Me: *Silence.*

Him: *Raises eyebrows at me.*

Me: *More silence.*

Him: * Sighs * “Well, we can exchange it, but that’s not the bill of sale. She should have made you a copy.”

Me: *Silence.*

Aside: I’ve seen so many people argue with sales clerks when really all you have to do is say nothing. Sales clerks dislike silence. They know what you want to hear, and they’ll make you work at it, but not when faced with silence. They want to hear you make your case and talk yourself into the partial blame for the merchandise not working, because if you feel even slightly guilty, you’re more likely to purchase something else that doesn’t work.

Or the service plan.

Act II
Him: “We actually take a loss on these phones, you know...”

Aside: Well, that would make him an idiot.

Laughter

Him: “...and we waive the credit check if you're willing to commit to two year service.”

Aside: Well, that would make both of us idiots.

Raucous laughter, applause.

Act III
Him: “It looks like you don't have the insurance policy.”

Aside: The phone comes with a one year policy.

Him: * hears aside * “But that's just for one year.”

Aside: I expected it would work more than a week.

Him: “Didn't she tell you about the insurance policy? The manufacturer's warranty only covers defects, not loss or theft.”

Aside: It's a free phone.

Him: “It's not a free phone. If it breaks, you have to replace it.”

Aside: But he's replacing it now.

Him: “Well, yes, but...”

Me: * silence *

Him: “But…because…it’s…er, defective.”

Me: "How much is the policy?"

Him: “$250.”

Aside: A $250 policy on a free phone.

Laughter

Him: “If for any reason, your phone is lost...”

Aside: It's free...

Him: “...or damaged...”

Aside: IT’S free.

Him“...or stolen, we'll replace it...”

Aside: IT’S FREE!!!!!

Him: “...and we'll replace it...”

Aside: Oh, Godon't say it...

Him: “...for free.”

Aside: It IS free.

And yet.

It costs.

So much.

Applause.

Draw curtain.

The End.

You may turn your cell phones back on now.