Questions People Have not Asked, but for which I Have Prepared Answers

I want to have your babies. Can I have your babies?
Yes! You can pick them up this afternoon. Tristan will be upset with you if you don’t have a drink for him. Naya scratches strangers, so bring band-aids or a little spray bottle with 10% ammonia and 90% tap water to keep her at bay.

Is Alex real? Or are you just making up a foreign bride because you’re sad and lonely?
Yes! To prove it, I’ll have her say something. Alex, say hi to the internet people.

Alex: Hi.

Wait a second! I thought you said she was Romanian! How come she’s speaking English? Is she really Romanian?
Yes! To prove it, I’ll have her tell you herself. Alex, tell the internet people that you’re really Romanian.

Alex: Hi.

Alex is 6 feet tall and you are not. Doesn’t this make you feel inferior as a man?
Yes!

You’re always trying to convince us that you’re a dork. But that’s impossible, isn’t it? Doesn’t Dooce have dork copyrighted?
Yes. I guess I'm not a dork anymore.

What’s the deal with that photo? Why are you holding your hand like that around your neck? What is that, a half-Macarena? Are you staring at a bottle of Bartles and Jaymes? Don’t you realize you look like an idiot?
I suppose I do now.

Vy do you alvays say how good you are? Vy don’t you tell eenternet that you yelled at me and broke mirror in leetle tantrum? Vy don’t you tell eenternet that you are leetle bastard?
I’m sorry I yelled and broke the mirror. I know I can be an asshole, but I always hate myself afterwards. Loving you has made me more human than is sometimes good for us.

Vut?
I need to be alone with my drink now.