He was reared to give respect,
But somewhere down the line he chose,
To whistle as the wind blows,
Whistle as the wind blows with me.
When I worked at The Evergreen State College, my self-esteem took daily rides on the Tilt-a-Whirl. Just a year out of grad school, my ultimate dream was to teach, and so I put professors on a pedestal, gazing admiringly upon the outside walls of the ivory tower.
My job, unfortunately, was not to teach, but to tour.
Nevertheless, I performed this task with elan. For me, few things beat a trapped crowd, which I could torture with my off-beat sense of humor and penchant for reciting 80s lyrics.
So when my boss told me that accompanying me on my tour one day would be Professor Thad Kurtz, Ph.D., I daresay my ass glowed baboon red. Dr. Kurtz, Ph.D was one of the campus legends. He had been teaching since Evergreen first opened its doors 30 ago. He wore wire-rimmed glasses. He was tall and lanky. He had that crazy eyebrow thing going on.
As my son would say, I had little hearts coming out of my head.
I shut my door and practiced my best stand-up. I had this bizarre habit of writing down any memorable quip following each tour, mots justes that would find there way into my repertoire. Strictly high brow, I assure you. No potty humor for Dr. Professor Thad Kurtz, MD on this fine, misty day.
After the tour came to an end, I beamed as my student group departed, all obviously pleased with my performance. As they walked off, I even overheard one parent say, ‘He was really funny!’ I stole a sideways glance at the Esteemed, Honorable Sir Reverend Kurtz, and covered my toothy ‘tee-hee’ like a shy schoolgirl.
Thad walked with me back to my office. He wanted to talk to me about what, in His words ‘had just happened.’
I prepared to bask.
Dr. Kurtz: Well, that was interesting.
Me: Indeed.
Professor Kurtz: I have to say, I think you really need to cut out the comedy routine.
Me: (not hearing what he really said, but instead imagining something along the lines of 'It seems the student has become the mastah!') I appreciate that Dr. Kurtz, but really it’s all about the kids, you know? If I can just inject a little of myself, I think it will really…er, wait a second, I’m sorry, what did you say?
Mr. Kurtz: You’re belittling the students and the faculty. You’re demeaning the institution.
Me: Wha-whoozit?
Thad: You told them that (and here he pulls out a notepad) ‘mold grows on everything here, even the students, it’s like living among a village of Chia Pets.’
Me: *giggles* That’s so true!
thad: You said that Evergreen has the highest number of Volkswagen Buses per student in the country. Do you know this to be true?
Me: Have you BEEN to the parking lot?
Him: You assured the parents that our ‘nude beach’ is world-renowned.
Me: Everyone knows that!
Crazy Eyebrow Man: You kept winking every time you talked about student potlucks.
Me: But why do you think the students come here, man?
blech: You said it was easy to differentiate between vegans and fruitarians because the latter suffer from scurvy and can often be found foraging in the woods for pine nuts.
Me: NOW TELL ME THAT’S NOT FUNNY!!!
It went on like this for awhile. Dr. Kurtz admonishing me for my jokes about sarongs and uni-dreds, roaches, Birkenstocks, reggae, bongo drums, Mumia Abu-Jamal and underarm vaginas. Towards the end I was utterly beaten, my dreams of entering the ranks of the professoriate thoroughly washed away in the cold Pacific rain. I resigned from Evergreen two months later.
To Dr. Kurtz’ credit, enrollment at the college took a sudden and sharp turn upwards shortly thereafter.
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