I knew a girl named Nikki
I guess you could say she was a sex fiend
I met her in a hotel lobby
My wife loves her leetle dork. And fortunately, I excel in this area. I was born a dork. I will die a dork. And there will be many years of dork in between.
I was a dork when I quite literally peed in the public swimming pool.
I was a dork when I hid from my drunken father underneath the kitchen table.
And I was a dork when I overheard two sixth graders talking about the lyrics to Prince’s 80s classic, ‘Darling Nikki’.
I completely misheard what they were saying, and spread this on to my pals:
Me: Hey, do you know what you call someone who plays with himself?
My friends: What?
Me: A bate-master!
My friends: Coooool!
Pretty soon, the playground was replete with taunts of, ‘I didn’t want a friendship pin, anyway, you stupid bate-master!’ and ‘Your mom can’t even afford a Swatch protector, bate-master!’ and ‘I bet those are imitation KangaRoos, you big bate-master!’.
I have to admit, I felt so wise that day. To see others repeat your words, well, it’s almost enough motivation to make you want to be a writer.
And that’s when Leslie ruined everything. I loved Leslie with such a passion it ached strangely in my little privates. And, of course, I lived by that timeless motto, ‘If you love something, be mean to it. If it comes back for more, be even meaner.’
Leslie: Are you sure it’s called a bate-master? I think you have it backwards.
Me: The only thing backwards is your retainer, Leslie!
Leslie: Isn’t your step-dad’s last name McMaster?
Me: So?!?
Leslie: Maybe you should call him McMasterBATE! * walks off giggling *
Me: For your information, it’s called a bate-master! You’re so stupid, Leslie!
That was in 1984, and shortly after we moved from Texas to New York, and I never saw Leslie again. But if were to run into her, somehow, I would tell her two things:
I’m sorry for being so mean to you as a child, I never had no good role models for how to love a woman.
And,
Ignore what I said about your retainer. Overbites are hot.
She said how'd u like 2 waste some time
& I could not resist when I saw little
Nikki grind
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