Whenever someone gets excited over a pair of pants, the only outcome can be tragedy, disappointment and a teachable moment.
I recently got overexcited by a pant purchase. I like nice pants. But I also have a 13 year old boy in me who busts out at the most inappropriate moments. I also prefer the traditional method of eating sushi with your hands. So I need a special type of pant, indeed.
Enter science. Namely, nanotechnology. Stupid, Mork-sounding name, but amazing results. The fabric is altered at the molecular level. Stain falls on. Stain falls off.
Enter not-to-be-named-major-discount-retailer-who-i-won't-name-lest-i-be-seen-as- using-blog-for-commercial-promotion purposes. Enter book deal and advance. Enter me, wearing stain guard pants.
Now for the teachable moment. Okay, the problem with stain guard dockers and men using the restroom. In the past, sure, you had the dark stain where the water from the sink (or urine, i'll just say it) seeped into your pants. That's one thing. People are actually used to it. We all get a few drops here and there soaked into our clothing (please say we all get a few drops here and there...). That's why men's underwear has that extra layer of cloth in front (and why boxer briefs are such a good thing).
I recently got overexcited by a pant purchase. I like nice pants. But I also have a 13 year old boy in me who busts out at the most inappropriate moments. I also prefer the traditional method of eating sushi with your hands. So I need a special type of pant, indeed.
Enter science. Namely, nanotechnology. Stupid, Mork-sounding name, but amazing results. The fabric is altered at the molecular level. Stain falls on. Stain falls off.
Enter not-to-be-named-major-discount-retailer-who-i-won't-name-lest-i-be-seen-as- using-blog-for-commercial-promotion purposes. Enter book deal and advance. Enter me, wearing stain guard pants.
Now for the teachable moment. Okay, the problem with stain guard dockers and men using the restroom. In the past, sure, you had the dark stain where the water from the sink (or urine, i'll just say it) seeped into your pants. That's one thing. People are actually used to it. We all get a few drops here and there soaked into our clothing (please say we all get a few drops here and there...). That's why men's underwear has that extra layer of cloth in front (and why boxer briefs are such a good thing).
But with stain guard, nothing seeps in. It's altered at the molecular level. It beads upon the pant like water (or urine, i'll just go ahead and say it) on a freshly waxed Porsche (or Hyundai, I'll just go ahead and say it). So as you're walking back to your office, you look down, and there's no dark stain.
Instead, there's a goddamned stream descending your pants like a bamboo fountain. So now, people have to deal not with a stain, in other words a memory, a hint, a symbol of the wetness, but they've got to deal with the actual thing. And as Shakespeare said, 'the thing is the pee.'
Wait. What would the word be for 'one who pees'? A peer, right? Peer? There's gotta be something to that and Shakespeare. You know, shakes are what male peers do when they're finished (and some women, I'll just go ahead and say it).
But with stainguard, you don't want to shake when you're finished (god, that just sounds weird--don't get the wrong impression, when i say shake, I don't mean my whole body like an Appalachian Snake Handler, I mean just 'it'. I shake 'it' when I'm in the bathroom. God, that sounds weird, too).
No, you can no longer shake it when you're finished. You've just gotta stand there and let the drip run dry. Or dab it with a q-tip. But it's so hard to explain what you're doing when someone walks into the next stall and you're dabbing your tip with a cotton swab. It's like you're home-testing for syphilis.
Fucking stainguards. Nanotechnology has been such a disappointment thus far.
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