My editor has asked me to submit a 150 word bio for my upcoming book, and now I have a big problem. I have no self-esteem. I had zero friends in high school, and only one in college (a girl who didn't speak english, and whom I later tricked into marriage). So to write myself up in glowing praise. is. a. problem.
I do actually have a couple of friends now, one of whom suggested the following:
Brandon Rogers, the galaxy's foremost guru on college financing options, is a remarkable human being of boundless wit and unparalleled virility. In offering the gift to humanity that is Ten Things You Gotta Know About Paying for College, Brandon (who shuns his last name in appreciation of the adoring masses who are all his brothers and sisters) presents a view that will not only revolutionize our nation's higher education system, but also alter the fundamental ways that we as humans think about the world, life and our sexual relationships. As he has done his entire life since birth, Brandon will provide the means for attaining world peace and racial harmony.
Well, that's just not how I see myself, unfortunately. So I showed him what I had written:
Brandon Rogers? That dirty, infected a-hole? Do you know where I can find that sonofab***? If you see him, could you let him know that when a guy says he'll call, and then doesn't, it means he is humiliated by his small co**!? Please tell him that! If you do, I'll show you my t*ts. Motherfu**er.
His advice? Try to mix the two into a happy medium. And stop being so hard on myself. And avoid alleys that might serve as havens for snipers.
I'm pretty excited about how it will come out. Now I just need a headshot.
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