I realize that laughter is the best medicine if only because it's free and yet here I have been going on and on about recovery and addiction and religion and herpes and politics and none of that is remotely funny except for herpes. Unfortunately, I am spending most of my days lately with a 5 year old, and the only appropriate punchlines are:
1. no, it's SNOT
2. hannah BANANA
3. PARROT teacher conference
4. I WILL BUY YOU A BICYCLE IF YOU PROMISE TO STOP CRYING
5. you don't want daddy to start drinking again, DO YOU?!? (requires a sort of desperate stare to elicit laughter)
6. GOD, JESUS GOD ALMIGHTY, why? (the 'why' should be whispered as softly as possible)
7. (simply sitting on the floor with one sock on and staring at your hands usually works)
8. (calling people who clearly recognize your voice and saying, “I'm sorry, I think I have the wrong number”)
9. a COOKIE monster!
There are two side effects I am dealing with that concern me. One is that I am eating inordinate amounts of candy in an attempt to identify the world's sweetest. The other (TOTALLY UNRELATED I'M SURE) is an obsession with reading about the symptoms of hyperglycemia (while checking my carotid pulse for emphasis):
Polyuria – Frequent bathroom 'breaks': CHECK
Polydipsia – Unquenchable thirst: CHECK
Weight Loss – CHECK
Impotence – CHECK MATE BITCH
Coma – I STOPPED CARING AFTER IMPOTENCE
Still, I think I will have a couple more Fun Dips and practice my ADVANCED DECREASED CONSCIOUSNESS AND CONFUSION EXERCISES, because, um, well, uh. Because. HAHAHAHAHA
FAIL
7 comments:
Looks like you're well stocked and clearly prepared for when our robot overlords rise up and make us all pay for our disobedience. Well played, sir.
I bet when Kasparov beat that other dude for the world chess thingy he yelled, 'CHECKMATE, BITCH!'. If not, he totally should've.
Awww, the party favors from TC'07! Those sandwiches were awesome. At least, Dustin said they were great and he would know... having eaten what, 10 of them?
There's something very Dexter about that first photo. Creepy.
Does this mean we'll be seeing more herpes jokes here? I'm JUST ITCHING for someone to bring those back.
sir, yes those chessplayers are known for their victorious exuberance. i'm pretty sure they invented the 'fist pump'. or maybe it was the 'raise the rook?'
shari, dustin's tequilacon eating is exponential. i'm not sure how you are all going to feed him in philly.
kapgar, i looked up dexter and yes, that was the atmosphere i was shooting for. funny and clever, in a drawn and quartered sort of way.
vahid, i am telling you, the other day in a meeting we were gossiping and a co-worker described our boss this way, "She really minds her Ps and Qs.' HER PS? it was gold.
see, this is the stuff i missed while i'd lost track of you. let's not ever let that happen again, you have so many life lessons to teach me...
Herpes jokes! Awesome!
All of those symptoms also apply to beating the crap out of your body, Brandon -- be it running, biking, whatever.
I'm totally going to start yelling things like 'Checkmate, Bitch!'
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