/ Drawn

For a time, the Drawbridge Exercise raged like wildfire among college moralists, and a new teacher each semester would hand out the scenario and look with wide, ticking-clock eyes upon his subjects, laid out in their desk chairs lounging couch-like as could be. I hated the Drawbridge Exercise, and got to the point where I would give different answers each time, my subsequent responses growing increasingly obnoxious, my only means of striking out against this awful fad.

This is the exercise as I can best remember it:

A Baron departs from his castle and warns his wife, the Baroness, not to leave under any circumstances or there will be severe consequences. After a time, the Baroness grows lonely, and leaves the castle against her husband’s wishes, joining her Lover. Upon returning to the castle, however, there is a knife-wielding Madman who blocks her path and threatens to kill her if she tries to cross the gate. Panicked, the Baroness goes to the Boatman who offers to ferry her across the moat for 5 ducats (or shillings or sous or sovereigns, I can’t remember), but as she has no money, he says, ‘No money, no service!’ Desperate, the Baroness returns to her Lover and asks for money to cross the moat, but the Lover refuses, saying that their relationship is only physical and he doesn’t wish to be involved any deeper. Nearly out of time, the Baroness rushes to a Friend and confesses her situation, before pleading for the money. The Friend, shocked at the Baroness’ sins, proclaims that this is divine retribution and will not assist the Baroness. With no other options, the Baroness returns to the gate and makes an attempt to get past the Madman, but fails. The Madman slays the Baroness.

In order from 1 to 6, rank the 6 characters in this story (the Baron, the Baroness, the Lover, the Madman, the Boatman and the Friend) by their responsibility in the death of the Baroness, with 1 being ‘Most Responsible.’ Share your responses with the other students in your group, and then come to a consensus, and present this to the class.

This is how it often plays out:

The Madman 1 (BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY DID THE KILLING, TWINKIES BE DAMNED)

The Baron 2 (ABUSIVE SOB)

The Lover 3 (MOTHERFUCKER)

The Friend 4 (THE WHAT???)

The Baroness 5 (KARMIC RETRIBUTION)

The Boatman 6 (JUST DIDDLY-DOIN' HIS JOB)

I don’t know why I have always reacted so strongly against being forced to participate in this exercise, almost always with unfamiliar students. But there have been times when I have ranked them all 6, times when I half-heartedly ranked them how I think the others would do so. This invariably means that the Boatman is rated LEAST RESPONSIBLE, because he is just DOING HIS JOB.

So once, out of annoyance, I scored the Boatman a 1, and everyone rolled their eyes, because this was 13 years ago and I was a young, pompous know-it-all. FINE, BRANDON (YAWN), THE BOATMAN IS MOSSST RESPONSIBLE, OF COURSE. PLEASE TELL US WHY….

The teacher at that time asked me to explain my thinking, since no one in my group would allow the Boatman to take the lion’s share of the blame, and I stood and in my most obnoxiously hurtful tone, quietly recounted Martin Niemoller’s famous parable, you know, that story about how 'first they came for the communists, then they came for the unionists, then they came for the jews, etc.’ By the time I get to the ending and with a dramatic head flair, say, no, accuse ‘…AND BY THE TIME THEY CAME FOR ME, THERE WAS NO ONE LEFT TO STAND!,’ the other students are a bit quiet, like, WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE? IS THIS BEING FILMED? ARE WE GOING TO HAVE TO START DELIVERING ELECTRIC SHOCKS TO EACH OTHER?

The teacher was orgasmic as all be-all, and it was agreed, that yes, yes, you see, that is what I am talking about, AIN’T NO RIGHT ANSWER WHEN IT COMES TO MORALITY, SHEEPLE.

And then I knew for certain that I wasn’t getting invited to any parties that semester. And I was right, which is why vindication is such a harsh-sounding word.