THURSDAY
Nothing is happening now worth noting, not even in a that is so banal I am helpless to look away sort of way. This is what happened today: On the way to work I tried to remember applying anti-perspirant. And not being able to do so, I panicked. I am not ashamed to admit I keep an emergency hygiene kit in the top left drawer of my desk. Also, a PLAN B EMERGENCY hygiene kit in the bottom right drawer. This kit contains everything in the emergency kit, only in mini-travel size, with the exception of tweezers. I’m kidding. Ahem.
Mile 1 – Think cool thoughts. Be the coolness.
Mile 2 – Lift your arms a little as you drive. 10 and 2. 10 aaaand 2.
Mile 3 – AVOID HEAVY LIFTING.
Mile 4 – NO SEX WITH GAS STATION ATTENDANTS.
Mile 5 – Loosen your collar. Think 70s.
Mile 6 – And so forth and so on.
I never thought, of course, to simply wipe the underside of my arm with an index finger and test for residue, because that would have required too much exertion before getting to the office to reach my emergency hygiene kit, which as I must reiterate, I am only kidding about.
* * *
FRIDAY
One of the things I do, as in What do you do for a living, Brandon, besides live so close to the edge but not too far away from your emergency hygiene kit?, is write grant proposals.
People who don’t realize this often come to me shortly after finding out and ask one of two questions:
1. Can you hook me up with some Degree Absolute Protection?
2. Hey, I hear you write grants. Can you write me a grant for x?
X is generally one of 4 things, none related to our reason for employment or close enough to ethical that my immediate reaction is to point to the new sign above my desk that reads:
"IT HAS BEEN _17_ MINUTES SINCE I LAST MENTIONED TO A CO-WORKER THAT I AM NO LONGER DRINKING."
Those 4 things are:
1. Can you write me a grant for STARTING MY OWN MILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS WHILE USING COMPANY PROPERTY AND YOUR TIME?
2. Can you write me a grant for GETTING MY COLLEGE DEGREE BUT PLEASE DO NOT TELL ANYONE WHO HAS USED MY RESUME AS A BASIS FOR MY HIRING?
3. Can you write me a grant for A TRIP THAT I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE MY FAMILY ON BECAUSE FAMILY IS IMPORTANT?
4. Can you write me a grant for A LAPTOP COMPUTER?
The only one that makes me angry is the laptop computer because funders hate requests for laptop computers and it makes me look like a noob.
Still, here is a sampling of my typical response:
1. I want to write a grant to see why you are still here.
2. I want to write a grant to help determine why mayonnaise tastes so good. And for those of you who do not think mayonnaise is sooo good, I want to write an additional grant to figure out what is wrong with you.
3. I want to write a grant to the National You Are Looking Fine Foundation (RARE).
* * *
SATURDAY
I will write more seriously about today’s trip to Deception Pass State Park later on, because I am getting all my paintball gear ready to see how long I would last in an actual combat situation. Last time I proved that I could last nearly a full half-day and would take at least one pre-teen to hell with me, glory hallelujah. The trick, my friends, is not to die for your country, but to make the other son-of-a-bitch die for his. An alternate trick, one which works better for someone with my own particular skill set (CAN PIECE TOGETHER MULTIPLE HYGIENE KITS ON SHORT NOTICE, WITH LITTLE TRAINING) is to PRETEND to die for your country by staying in a well-heated car until the enemy breaks for Michelobs and then open fire through the crack in your driver’s side window.
And what were parks called before there were cars, anyway?
Aww, I know what you are thinking. It must be awful to live with someone so constantly funny. It’s like, WHY CAN’T YOU SHUT IT OFF FOR A MINUTE? I’M GONNA NEED TO GO IN FOR SIDE REPLACEMENT!
9 comments:
funny. today i was thinking of this grand scale idea i've had for about ten years and thinking, 'will i ever get around to doing it? i need to write a grant.' now that i've read this entry, all i can say is, 'brandon, will you write my grant for me?' let's do lunch! my treat. and man, won't it be cheaper now that you don't drink? score!
also, mayo makes my tummy hurt. so you need to modify your grant to find out what in mayo makes my tummy hurt.
also square, i like the word tummy. it's cute. like you. except, you don't make me hurt. well, only when you don't write grants for me.
I'm finishing up my thesis for a masters relating to biomedical blah-blah, and am finding the writing of papers and the thesis itself to be soul-crushing. This makes me wonder why I've agreed to continue forward for a PhD in a similar bio-related field, which means that my next stop is writing grant proposals, more papers, and another dissertation in about 5 years. I am an asshole to myself. It's true.
Cool picture of a bridge, BTW.
Y'know, if you removed a single letter from the title of this post, your google hit-count would probably (sadly) skyrocket.
noob?
is a noob like a nipple?
deception pass is a bitch in a sailboat when you've attempted to cross it at 4 p.m. because according to the tidal tables it the whirlpool is asleep then but you don't make it until 4:20 pm because you had to stop for beer and the saiboat lurches to and fro and the little pathetic outboard isn't enough to quiet the whirlpool.
noob?
newbie. right?
... funders hate requests for laptop computers...
Really? So, like, are they cool with requests for desktop computers? What I mean is, is it just the breezy hepkattishness of the laptop that gets to them while they sit angrily trapped in their little windowless funding offices? Or is it just the fact that anyone would actually need equipment to do work at all?
I am honestly curious about this. Why would this anger them?
patricia, that is so funny about that drink comment, because our restaurant bills are something like 40% cheaper the last month. soon i will become a foundation myself.
sir, i've noticed a similar spike in traffic when i started calling this site 'the pen is mightier' i guess there must be an obscene fascination with writing out there!
leezer, as stacia mentions, noob is to newbie as boob is to booby.
miss syl, laptops have come to represent superfluous expenditures using grant funds as christmas wish lists. imagine you are a funder and two separate agencies each have the same great idea - one agency says, we have our books in order and we will provide the infrastructure, the equipment (computers), etc. All we want you to do is cover the project's direct expenses.
The other agency says, we have a great idea, but no equipment, no infrastructure. We want you to buy that equipment for us, which we will then hold onto after the project is over, sort of a nice benefit.
I'm not speaking for all funders, but generally, there is a little more faith in supporting an agency that has its financial affairs in order.
In terms of the laptop v. desktop debate, again, foundations want more of their money going to direct services. A funder might say, 'Look, you are requesting $2,400 for a Macbook Air to use for support of a tutoring program. Does your agency buy $2,400 Macbook Airs for all staff, or do you get by on $300 dell desktops?'
Fundamentally, even if they don't dislike the expense, grants aren't just about the merit of an idea. They are about the merit of an idea competing against many, many other ideas, some of which make better financial sense.
That said, I have received many grants with laptops as part of the budget, and my own laptop is funded through grant money. But I do know foundations that would never honor such a request.
Brandon:
I feel a little silly posting such a question following your eloquent weighing-in on the laptop/no laptop debate, but here goes:
Have you thought of putting a tube of anti-persperant on your dashboard - right where some folks put their dashboard Jesus - in case you forgot to apply it or in case your (imaginary) emergency hygiene kit disappears? You could apply it at stop lights.
If you don't want to do that, just wait until one of your co-workers says, "I smell pizza" then you know it's time to reach for the emergency stash.
Hey, I know of what I speak. I've gone out with friends where the most I spend is $20 for the night, including the cover. Meanwhile they gotta take loans to pay for the night. And that's the real reason why I don't drink. I'm way too cheap to take it up.
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