Obviously, my biggest concern giving up the devil's juice was that I would somehow become dull, uninteresting and humorless, but after spending my entire weekend replacing the flapper valve in our master bedroom toilet, I can completely ASSURE you that I am just as...oh, never mind.
Pleasepleaseplease if anyone knows of an effective non-alcoholic high, give it up! And don't say Elizabethan poetry because I wouldn't begin to know even how to respond to that. I am running out of leaky toilets! and being the worst handyman in the history of both hands and men, I more than anyone desperately want the table saw and cordless drill and plumber's tape to stop calling out to me in my sleep.
The real victims of recovering alcoholics are housemates who cannot appreciate a glut of newly tiled picture frames, trashcan dollies made from scrap pallets and any remodel that relies upon imitation stucco.
In defense of recovery, however, I will say that while I am much less interesting to ambiguously gendered prostitutes, much less prone to break into maniacal laughter at cleverly captioned cat photos and much less able to sit for hours at a time squeezing my eyes as hard as possible to discover new constellations, I AM much better at following my kids around taking endless photographs to put in all those newly tiled pictured frames. So on the whole, I think you will agree that this is clearly an argument for giving up...oh, never mind.
19 comments:
She's gorgeous with her sassy haircut! But are you actually trying to tell me that LOLcats are no longer funny? I'm not sure I want to live in a world where I can't laugh at, "im in ur ____, ___ing ur ___."
No worries... we can have a craft table at TequilaCon so that you'll have plenty of things to occupy your time as everybody else enjoys drunken bowling.
Colorforms, anyone?
For what it's worth, the photos of your children are almost as beautiful as your children are. (Not that I've ever seen your children except in photos... oh, never mind.)
That's funny; drinking is the ONLY time I laugh at cleverly captioned cat photos.
After a few more days of incessantly following your kids with a camera, they'll no doubt find a way to purchase, gift-wrap, and present you with a bottle of gin.
Three words. Well, two words plus a hyphenated word. Is that four words?
Whatever. The high you are looking for, sir:
Chocolate-covered espresso beans.
You're welcome.
I hear Elizabethan heroine is pretty good.
Sarah, not only do you get the high with the chocolate-covered espresso beans, but you also get the new time consuming hobby of picking bits of espresso beans out of your teeth all day.
Steph...it's a two-fer!! :-)
What a beautiful little girl, and congrads on your sobriety!
Well, I have various ways to get high without alcohol, but none of them are legal to travel through U.S. Mail. Besides, with TequilaCon coming up, why on Earth would you want to abdicate the alcoholic throne?
jenny, now that i'm sober, i prefer LOLcatholics.
dave, throw in some shrinky dinks, and count me in! /crickets
caitlin, they inherited their looks from photoshop's side of the family.
greg, i know what you mean. it's like suddenly i woke up and 1/2 the internet isn't funny anymore. and the other half is naked.
sir, make that a GINger ale and I'll bring the wheat thins. ugh.
sarah, ha! i will have to give those a try. i've got my razor blade and mirror unused since the 1980s just waiting to be dusted off.
peefer, you obviously know more about elizabethan heroine than I. maybe you could tudor me?
steph, that sounds much more pleasant than picking teeth out of my coffee beans. yeek.
djl, thanks! it sort of helps that now i apparently have roughly $200 a week more in spending power!
karl, i am saving myself for tcon, and might consider a sip of tequila. but i'm afraid someone else will have to assume the throne.
Courage! There is always meditation. Ok, laugh away....
The only non-alcoholic highs I've truly enjoyed are still narcotic, and I'm not sure that's the direction you want to go.
However, there is a lot to be said for knocking kitchen cabinets off the wall. Of course, this should be done as part of a general kitchen renovation, and not just upon a whim.
You could try snorting lines of pixie sticks. Kids in 7th grade used to swear by it. Kids in 7th grade also used to hemorrhage alot of sugary grape, lime, and cherry shit out their noses too.
julie, believe me, i am willing to try anything. no laughing on this end.
ash, oh, if i could my hands on some weedy narcotics, i think that is exactly the direction i'd like to go.
dustin, pixieballs and pixtacy, that is genius. i am off to the convenient store post haste.
cheers to you, my good man.
i am in awe of you first ditching the fags, and now the juice.
i am off the former, and have cut drastically on the latter.
p.s. a nice set-up for your clever, perhaps even rude comeback, wouldn't you say?
yes, a nice set up, but i have nothing bad to say about the former, as i am back on them temporarily. they are filling a hole in my life.
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