/ rainier

if you back up far enough, you can see the mountain, and if you back up even further you can see the moon, and i wonder just how far back i would have to step in order to see what the hell you are trying to say.

these are not the words i mouth on my way to work when passing through the tiny hamlet of Rainier, a tiny hamlet being smaller than a regular hamlet, which is itself smaller than a town, making it smaller still than a city, a state, and the great, unincorporated void between us, but still, you know, larger than a settlement. but even large settlements can be dangerous when you are hit with them. it is why they say to never doubt a small group of people can fuck up your entire world, indeed it is the only thing that ever did. in fact, it's usually just one individual, which is why people themselves are sometimes called hamlet. it's a tragedy.

i don't mouth the words in my head when driving through rainier, which might be more aptly called rainiest of late, because there is a man who doesn't speak who is always waving at the passing cars, usually in front of the steakhouse saloon, and at first i never waved back, but this did not deter him, and i went through the various stages of loss before finally giving in to his charms.

at first, i denied he even existed, knowing full well that i am wont to invent persons simply in order to pass the time. i started, of course, with imaginary friends, who much like real friends would eventually misunderstand something i had said, and they became imaginary enemies, going so far as to turn my other imaginary friends against me, though they would never say this outright. i confess i said mean, hateful things about their imaginary babies. nothing untrue, mind you, but when it comes to other people's babies, i have learned that if you cannot say something nice YOU STILL HAVE TO, ANYWAY. swallow that shit and compliment their eyes. something. anything.

then i was angry with him, for offering me kindness when i had offered him nothing in return, a twist of logic incomprehensible to those of us who were always taught 'tis better to give than to receive, which as many of you now know is hooey. it is never better to give than receive, because when people give you something out of the blue and you have nothing to give back, it makes you feel awkward and resentful. i am not referring to any of you who have ever given me something, of course. i mean, otherwise.

i finally accepted this silent gift-giver into my life one morning when the town should very well have been called snowier, and it was probably the ice crystals caught in his eyebrows that melted my resolve, but i waved back, ever so meekly, and thought, well now here it comes.

the next day, the motherfucker didn't wave at me. agh. i waved anyway, but not without mouthing the words, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

when i step back and think on it, though, i realize i should feel badly for people like him, so utterly and obviously manipulated by karma. tools.