/ hold it in

hold it in

and practice a goodbye you pray gets lost in
the mail since there are so many other prepositions to
run than away like through my thoughts and across
the narrow space underneath
the sideways glances in the presence of
friends, avoiding these uneven surfaces, asphalt covered in
ginkgo seeds, the air above by roots, rooted to the air itself, or into
my plans for a small, quiet life of planting lavender beds, blowing catsear into
the wind, running on unreplenishable memories, or myself ragged with just enough left over
to fall asleep atop
the dime taut bedspread, another night of successfully giving out
every one else's secrets but my own, running my hands through
my hair, my palm across
my forehead in welcome, exaggerated relief, how much easier it is to
control what you reveal the older you get the more often you've run around
these poorly lit halls, though admittedly illumination can by its very nature only take place in
the dark, and this one forgone wish, to scrape up
enough pesos for an escape, a second chance at
what every girl deserves at least once, a pharos in
this fog this revelation, but not the light i was hoping for
the kind instead that warns you of
coral reefs just beneath
the waves, exhorting you to sail away or dive below, whatever