A couple weeks ago, I was eating god knows what when my back tooth went KERPOW MOTHERFUCKER, registering 2.8 on the Richter Scale and separating me forever from a filling I got that is probably the closest thing I ever had to an heirloom, but it didn't phase me, bro, because I keep a hidden bottle of gatorade underneath my desk at all times.
My dentist: "Well, the good news is that there has been no tooth decay."
Me: "I am positive that vodka prevents tartar buildup."
My dentist: "It may have a little more to do with regular brushing and flossing."
Me: "Hey, you know what would be a good additive to toothpaste? Nicotine! I mean, imagine how many of my co-workers would take ten 15-minute breaks a day to brush their teeth? I might not cringe when they smile."
My dentist: "That's funny."
Me: "Oh, can you maybe not replace the filling? It has sort of become my comfort blanket whenever I am nervous."
My dentist: "Tongue magnet! That's what I call it, whenever you have something new in your mouth you tend to want to put your tongue on it."
I have the most awesome dentist in the entire world. And she hires the most awesome dental assistants in the whole world.
Dental Assistant: "We'll schedule that filling, but it looks like everything else is okay."
Me: "I am positive that vodka prevents tartar buildup."
Dental Assistant: "I think you mean tequila."
Me: SWOON
Dental Assistant: "OH MY GOD my friend made me the strongest lemon drop last night."
Me: "I LOVE LEMON DROPS. But they're kind of girly so I pour them into Budweiser cans."
Dental Assistant: "BUDWEISER'S NOT GIRLY?"
Me: "TOUCHE."
Dental Assistant: "I hide mine in a Gatorade bottle."
Me:FTW
Dental Assistant: "My husband thinks it's not very parental to drink in front of our daughter, though, but I told him that maybe sheltering her too much will backfire."
Me: "PREACHER'S KID SYNDROME. My wife is the same way. She and your husband would make a good couple."
Dental Assistant: "I bet that sounded better in your head."
Me: "So did the nicotine toothpaste idea. Damn."
By the way, you know what's probably NOT the best thing to watch on the TV monitor while you're getting your teeth cleaned? A CNN DEMONSTRATION OF WATERBOARDING TECHNIQUES. When I started screaming my name, social security number and date of birth, that was a clue.
7 comments:
What is it with dental hygienists and booze?
My hygienist ripped off a part of my spit napkin the other day so she could write down the name of some amazing Polish vodka she said I had to try. I'm going to bring her a tiny bottle of scotch on my next visit.
Checkups were never this fun when I was a kid.
It's the holidays. Alcohol infuses everything. That's why everyone loves this time of year. Because even if you hate this time of year, you can always drown your sorrows and call it "holiday cheer." Dentists (and their assistants) are only human afterall, and subject to the same holiday alcoholism as the rest of us.
You know, it's weird now that I think about it, my mouthwash is like 10% liquor. I would say then that dentists are actually MORE THAN HUMAN. THEY ARE SUPERHUMAN.
They must have always known that alcohol is the key to healthy teeth and gums.
I got into the wrong goddamned profession, that's for sure.
does scotch work against gingivitis and tartar build up?
i bet it works just as good as fluoride. plus, it's good FOR you. especially on Thursday morning in your coffee right before work.
My third shot of a good smoky single malt gives me such sweet breath I kiss everyone.
i would never kiss a man with good smoky single malt on his breath because i wouldn't know how to stop.
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