/ Interrelated Somehow

It snowed, then it rained, then all hell broke loose, and goddamnit I missed the rainbow.

Alex dragged me to a party with her sister and her friends, and it reinforced the notion that I will gladly set fire to my belief system as long as it's a pretty girl handing me the gasoline. The weather report called for nuclear winter and the online map called for a shortcut and the cabin in the middle of nowhere called for pre-drinks.

Salma Hayek was not there, but many of the other Ramtha students were, and the more brandies I put away, the closer I came to making the awkward OKAY EVERYONE SHOW ME YOUR GREEN CARD joke, which is just slightly less funny than the MAKE OUT WITH THE HOSTESS joke that always seems to bomb, regardless of context. Some people can't take a joke.

Some bombastic Aussie kept going on about how hot my wife was, how he kept wondering why she was always alone at these parties and how hot she was, and I can't remember EXACTLY, but I think what I said was, "WELL, HIT IT ALREADY, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION HERE," and there was a lot of laughter, so obviously HIT IT has some different connotation down under. Or maybe people just laugh more about these things on the other side of that great big fence we're planning to build.

The toasts to the hosts started shortly thereafter, and everyone stood in the center of the gorgeous cabin, and the hosts, Polish immigrants, were indeed lovely and smart. An older, raunchy couple, pretty much all I can stand at these things. One girl praised Ramtha, and everyone, including me, lifted a glass to the Teutonic Knight, and why not? People can believe whatever they like as far as I'm concerned, just so long as it doesn't involve animal sacrifice, a prohibition against masturbation, and rules, commandments, dress codes or weekly services. I'd also prefer not to reincarnate as a tree. And don't ask me for any money, goddamnit. If your god is so powerful, then ask him for your fucking rent. Otherwise, though, I am cool with your beliefs, sucker.

Sadly, part of the reason I could actually be in this magical place was because my parents were babysitting, but being as how this was Saturday, that could only mean that my kids would have to sit through church on Sunday morning, and I distinctly remember thinking that I would have volunteered to get hit a whole lot more as a kid if ONLY IT WOULD HAVE EXCUSED ME FROM CHURCH. I guiltily admit to shouting CHURCH IS STUPID before dropping my kids off, and then making them promise that they wouldn't repeat this blasphemy in front of their grandparents but that they were FREE TO THINK IT ALL THEY WANTED.

Apparently, they DIDN'T hate it though, because it was mostly just singing and eating coffee cake, and I was all like, "THAT'S HOW THEY GET YOU! THE FIRST ONE'S ALWAYS FREE!"

And then the heavens opened up and flooded the entire state and dreams were dashed and fights were fought and wine flowed, and I don't care what anyone says, I don't believe for a minute that any of it was related at all.