/ Happy Headed No

Children are big, fat worthless losers, and until we stop telling them otherwise, they are doomed to a big, fat life of loserdom, so say the researchers at Scientific American, and I am reluctant to agree because it is true and I don't want all those other rotten parents who get their science from the internet in on my family's age-old secret. That is why I urge on the administrators at outside school board meetings to implement summer immersion programs that are designed to build up a kid's self-worth, BECAUSE THERE IS NO MOTIVATION LIKE CONVINCING A CHILD THAT HE IS ENTITLED TO HAPPINESS. And by NO MOTIVATION, I am serious.

This doesn't mean that I throw rocks at my kids, although I will occasionally threaten to cut them if they look at me the wrong way, and when they ask "WHAT'S THE WRONG WAY?" I say, "I AIN'T TELLING 'CAUSE YOU'LL DO IT WHEN I'M NOT LOOKING!" And that works like science, because the key isn't to tell your kids all nice things about themselves all the time and the key isn't to tell your kids all bad things about themselves all the time, the key is to keep them on their toes.

Sometimes what really works is to tell them, "You can't."

And inside, they think, "TELL ME I CAN'T, BITCH."

And then when you are really pissed because they do something so utterly senseless like leave your brand new Final Fantasy DS cartridge on the floor right after eating a bacon cookie so that the dog has no choice but to chew all the juice out of the circuitry, you don't scream (not out loud anyway), but hold all that anger up deep inside and sit next to the child and say softly (while holding all that building anger up inside you), "Don't worry about it. I'll love you no matter what mistakes you might make. We all make mistakes. In fact, I made a mistake when I had you." And because you're not screaming, they won't even notice the subtle sarcasm.

And inside, they think, "CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER."

Most importantly, children should not be treated like Pavlovian dogs, meaning you should never, ever reward them every single time they do something good, because this will only set them up for a life of drinking and disappointment, because seriously, all those kids who got a trip to Chuck E. Cheese every time they brought home a report card with ALL As? BITTEREST CO-WORKERS IN HISTORY.

Incorrect- (25 years ago)
Brandon: I got all As! What do I get?
Brandon's Cruel Parents: Yay! You get a bicycle! And you can stay out playing with your friends til 10!
Brandon: Yay!

(25 years later)
Brandon: I got the grant! $2 million! What do I get?
Brandon's Employers: You get to keep your job.
Brandon: Damn.

Correct- (MY WAY)
Tristan: I got all As! What do I get?
Brandon: Free housing.
Tristan: Damn.

(10 years into the future)
Tristan: I just figured out how to generate biofuel from algae at under $2 a gallon!
Tristan's employer: Outstanding! What do you want?
Tristan: I want to figure out how to brew liquor from algae at under $2 a bottle.
Tristan's employer: Damn.

Damn straight.