Remember when your grandmother let you lick the bottom of the bowl, lick the blender beaters, eat the batter off the spoon? Can you harbor a secret hatred for her 30 years later now that none of your insides work a-proper? Hmm? Or is my recent belly-aching psychosomatic? Did she, in fact, mithridate me against the ills of salmonella? And why can't you get it from fish? /groan Once I got citronella but it wore off after 4 hours.
We had these glasses made of cracked glass, and I thought, good god, HOW POOR ARE WE? We were soooo poor that the dealers always gave us the first TWO for free. Come to think of it, I think I was 12 years old before I realized that cake referred to an actual, baked product. Not that I was unhappy, but I keep reading about all these psychological experiments 'bout the time I was coming of age and we were in need of money and lived awfully close to a university research center. Damn these twitches! And what these studies say is that you can successfully implant in a child's memory something that never even happened! And at some point, the child will even fabricate details that fill in the gaps, making the memory much more than a memory, but an actual event in human history. This is better than revisionism. It's flat out previsionism.
But why did these scientists fill our heads with unhappy DID HE TOUCH YOU THERE kinds of memories? What an opportunity to create happy childhoods out of nothing more than ceaseless suggestion and ketamine and a small room where the door knob didn't work but they gave you plenty of crayons. If it were me, and I'm no scientist, I would have found out about these kids' lives and I would have fucking supercharged them.
'Remember last Christmas, when you got SO MANY TOYS THAT THE PRESIDENT GAVE YOU A SPECIAL STUDENT OF THE YEAR MEDAL AND THE DALLAS COWBOYS WON THE SUPERBOWL AN ENTIRE MONTH EARLY IN YOUR HONOR? Hmm? Remember THAT? YOU DO, DON'T YOU?'
'Um, no. I don't think...'
'NO BUT DO YOU REMEMBER LAST CHRISTMAS WHEN YOU DID GET SO MANY TOYS THAT THE PRESIDENT GAVE YOU A SPECIAL STUDENT OF THE YEAR MEDAL AND THE DALLAS COWBOYS WON THE SUPERBOWL AN ENTIRE MONTH EARLY IN YOUR HONOR? HMM? YOU REMEMBER THAT! YOU DO, DON'T YOU?'
'I, um, I...'
'YOU DO REMEMBER LAST CHRISTMAS WHEN YOU GOT SO MANY TOYS THAT THE PRESIDENT GAVE YOU A SPECIAL STUDENT OF THE YEAR MEDAL AND THE DALLAS COWBOYS WON THE SUPERBOWL AN ENTIRE MONTH EARLY IN YOUR HONOR RIGHT AFTER YOU GOT THE STUDENT OF THE YEAR MEDAL FOR GETTING SO MANY TOYS? HMM? YOU REMEMBER THAT! YOU DO, DON'T YOU? WHO WON THE SUPERBOWL?'
'The Cowboys?'
'SEE? YOU REMEMBER! AND WHY DID YOU GET THE MEDAL?'
'Because of all the toys I got! There was a Big Wheel and an Inchworm and an Etch-a-Sketch and Weeble Wobbles and Lincoln Logs and a Simon, only the red light didn't work, and the spare was busted and we had regular batteries, but we didn't have one of those funny shaped batteries, you know the one you can lick the top and it gives you a little shock...'
'Yes. That's right. And...'
'...but I still didn't get an Atari, because Santa said Colecovision was better since it could PLAY Atari games, but really, Atari is still cooler...'
'Um. We're out of time here.'
'...and I got Hungry Hippos and Shogun Warriors and Monchichis and I don't think it's bad for me to play with Monchichis because I'm a boy...'
'Please leave now.'
Oh. So THAT'S why they stick to unhappy memories. It's cheaper.
10 comments:
1. ColecoVision kicks Atari's a$$ anyday.
2. Monchichis, monchichis are oh, so soft and cuddly. With their thumb in their mouth they're really neat, fun to wiggle their little feet. La la la. La LA la. Happy, happy monchichi.
3. Ch-ch-ch-CHIA PET.
Chia was technically classified as 'food' in our house, and not 'toys.'
we also had 'pet' rabbits and chickens.
damn.
ColecoVision = Lady Bug = Sweeeeeeeeet.
Sweet it is. To this day when someone asks me if I have a Colecovision I STILL lie and say, "YES. YES, I DO."
monchichis. well, thanks for un-repressing that buried memory.
they looked like they'd swarm and eat you the minute you closed your eyes at night.
I spent my first five years hopped up, er, um, I mean down on Paragoric. I remember pretty close to nothing. My parents insist that I had a marvelous childhood. I guess I'll take their word for it.
To this day, I resent that my uncle sat me on his lap and tickled the cheese out of my knee. 'Tip of the iceberg undoubtedly. [shudder]
Colecovision was fun.
kyran, and if the monchhichis didn't finish you off, the wookiees would make you wish they had. at least in my nightmares.
jul, i'm going to have to look into this paragoric. i need it from 8 to 5 every day. as long as alcohol isn't a contraindication, sign me up.
peefer, your metaphors never cease to shock and/or awe.
mg! on my old laptop i had a colecovision emulator and i would spend hours upon hours in sheer pixellated bliss. the people in the airport thought i was crying because of all the body cavity searches, i'm sure.
I was told I'd go blind if I played with my brother's monchichis.
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