\in my head

the waitress delivers my entree, mojarra frita, it is a whole fish, it reminds me of something once ordered in Little Italy, and I begin to tell her this, but my collection of memories is woefully unorganized. she remarks how untidy her car is, i love this characteristic in people, it brings connection to my recollections, how many times i have followed someone to her car, and she said, 'please excuse the mess! pleasepleaseplease!' our unkempt automobiles as common a conversation starter as the sun, how shiny!, the rain, always wet!, the heat, hotter than ever!, the cold, TOO COLD TODAY FOR MY TASTE!

i packed light, and even set aside a few items for disposal to make room for gifts, an old habit of mine, there are hotels far and wide that stand as the final resting places for various items of clothing i once tried on in a department store, or papers and papers and papers, and this time i brought my old running shoes, now never worn, and i was determined to wear them out on these mile high streets and leave them, tidily, next to the little plastic garbage can.

but running, in the dark, under ominously flickering streetlamps, it was brought to my attention, maybe by my knees, maybe even my shoulder, that these unfrilled, cheap running shoes were not causing me any pain. after a half hour the lack of sharp, jolting shocks to my joints was deafening in its silence, and i packed the shoes into my backpack first thing, determined to break at least one of these bad hotel habits of mine.

i was reading an article today, and since i fall in love with everyone, i suppose it should not have surprised me that two girls so far apart in my past were linked by a common newspaper, in a town out west, now that i am in Denver, a more apt description. there was a photograph, even, and i spent no inconsiderable amount of time trying to will life back into that face i used to redden so easily. even as these memories become hazy, they can still close in on you, or maybe that's what haze is, confusion by proximity. everything seems so much closer these days, and so much harder to understand.