To be perfectly honest, I practiced my speech last night and halfway through the presentation, the person who was listening said, "DADDY I HAVE TO GO TO THE TOILET," and I said, "NUMBER ONE OR NUMBER TWO?" and he said, "NUMBER THREE," and it reminded me of that day back in 1998 during my last month as an AmeriCorps VISTA, in South Carolina, the doctor handed me this child and said, "CONGRATULATIONS!" and I said "NO REALLY WE CAN'T, THIS IS MUCH TOO NICE," and he said, "HA HA HA, NOW THAT IS FUNNY. TAKE THE BABY NOW," and I backed up and said, "SERIOUSLY I AM NOT QUALIFIED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR A LIFE, SOMETIMES I EVEN FORGET TO CHANGE MY OWN DRAWERS," and he was like, "OKAY NOW, TAKE YOUR SON," and I was like, "WE ONLY WANTED A PUPPY!" and he said, "TAKE THE CHILD! YOU MADE IT!" and I said, "WE WERE JUST WRESTLING!"
Later, we were convinced to take the wee thing home and came this close to naming him Ed, short of course for Ed Award, because he pretty much set us back at least $4,725, but that of course was in 1998 dollars, so don't go around thinking you can make nearly as nice a baby with that kind of money in today's economy, unless you can somehow cash out your award in Euros, but really, the points I'm trying to make are these: 1. Before the end of my speech, you will likely experience an overwhelming urge to use the restroom, and 2. ALWAYS SAY NO TO VIOLENCE, ESPECIALLY WRESTLING.
For those of you keeping a scorecard, incidentally, today's speech is titled 'CRIME (OF PASSION) DOESN'T PAY, or HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT MY BILLS AND LOVE AMERICORPS.'
Wow. I can see that some of you are on the edge of your seats already. You're intrigued. Or you're wondering which one is the closest restroom.
Fortunately for you guys (and girls, girls can use the restroom too, i'm just saying) I happen to know that there is ample room in the bathrooms to accommodate the length and intensity of this speech. I mean there is ample room in the men's restroom. How would I know what the women's restroom is like? Note to self, please don't read this part of the speech tomorrow because it will go badly. IN FACT, WHEN IT COMES TO RESTROOMS YOU SHOULD JUST GIVE THE WHOLE TOPIC A WIDE STANCE. This is going badly.
What I really meant to say before I started reading the parts of my speech that are not intended to be read aloud is that I know from experience that there is too much going on in the world that demands our focus, and our attention spans are about as stable as the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, so for your guys benefit (and girls, girls can have benefits too, i'm just saying) I have actually developed Cliff's Notes for my speech which I will now read so that you will understand what I will be saying for the next 20 minutes, or hour and a half depending upon how many times "I" have to use the restroom.
IN THIS SPEECH THE AUTHOR USES SYMBOLISM AND LINEAR DEVICES SUCH AS OFFICE CHAIRS, MAYONNAISE AND MYSTICAL LEGENDS TO CONVEY FEELINGS OF HELPLESSNESS WITH THOSE IN NEED. THE PARABLE OF THE BOILING FROG, IN PARTICULAR, POINTS TO THE PROTAGONIST'S PAST FAILINGS IN TRYING TO ASSIST THOSE CLOSEST TO HIM (AND HER, GIRLS CAN BE PROTAGONISTS TOO), KEPT FROM THE TASK BY AN UNSEEN ELEMENT (IN THIS CASE, THE PERISHABILITY OF CONDIMENTS). THE CLOSING SCENE COMPARING ORDINARY CITIZENS TO THE WORLD'S PETROLEUM RESERVES IS THE AUTHOR'S WAY OF SAYING, OH MY GOD, WE ARE ALL REALLY COUNTING ON YOU. PLEASE DON'T RUN OUT!
Okay, speaking of running out, the other day I was in Ocean Shores and I was running out along the beach, and my old friend Rich said, "You know that when you are running for a long time and you start passing gas? That means you're burning fat." And I have never in my life heard something like that, and as soon as I had run about two miles away from my friend, I stopped and I wondered if perhaps he was just making up a story to make his point (or her point, girls can have points, too). Because these kinds of stories don't necessarily have to be true in order to be effective. From birth on, we are lied to in order to protect us, to instruct us, to keep us safe.
This is one of the oldest lessons I remember from childhood. We sometimes invent stories in order to give order to our world. And now that you've signed up for AmeriCorps, your world just got a whole lot bigger. And in order to make order for an even larger world than you ever imagined, you need to make up ever greater stories that may or may not be true! Truth is not the point anymore, people, purpose is the point.
Like you remember that story about when you are driving and the driver coming up on you has his high beams (or her high beams, girls can drive too, i'm just saying) on and your passenger says WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT FLASH YOUR HIGH BEAMS BACK AT HIM BECAUSE IT IS A GANG INITIATION AND THEY WILL SHOOT US. And you look at the person and you think, 1. Do you really believe that? and 2. OH MY GOD, I CAN REALLY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR NAIVETE.
So then if you guys are smart (AND GIRLS. GIRLS CAN BE SMART TOO. I'M JUST SAYIN.) you will say something like. YES, YES, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL. IF SOMEONE DRIVES PAST YOU WITH HIS OR HER HIGH BEAMS ON AND YOU DON'T GO OUT THE NEXT DAY AND BECOME A VOLUNTEER TUTOR, THEY WILL ALSO COME SHOOT YOU.
REALLY? IS THAT TRUE?
Yes. Yes it is. I read it on the Intertubes. On a site called URBAN LEGENDS.
OOOOH! URBAN! SOUNDS SO SOPHISTICATED!
And legendary. Don't forget legendary.
Okay, so here we go. Chapter One of my Speech. And by the way, when you invite a speaker who has to break up his presentation into Chapter One? Shame on me. Chapter Two? Shame on you. Chapter three? Fool me, you can't get fooled again.
I got fooled once. And it was over mayonnaise. You get fooled by a condiment and you know that you've got no shortage of teachable moments lying along the path of your future. But all my life, and this includes the three or four years that I wasn't indentured to the Corporation for National Service, I was under the undebatable impression that leaving out my potato salad or tuna salad or egg salad for more than 3 point 5 minutes would doom me to a life of death, A LIFE...OF DEATH, that not only would all my internal organs spontaneously combust, but that the explosion would be just mild enough so that I wouldn't actually perish until my grandmother had a chance to get off work, hop on the bus, watch the last half hour of Days of Our Lives and then walk across the street to say I TOLD YOU NOT TO LEAVE THE MAYONNAISE OUT.
But, the thing is, my grandmother was lying to me. And all of you, if there's one thing I want you to remember when you go home tonight, even those of you who actually ARE grandmothers, is that your grandmother has been lying to all of you guys (and girls, girls can be grandmothers, too, I'm just saying). But the fact of the matter is: Leaving mayonnaise out will not kill you.
Mayonnaise...is acidic.
Which means that it will prevent the harmful bacteria from developing that will make you sick. It might not taste good if you leave it out while you're trying to complete your service project, but it's not going to kill you. And the point I'm trying to make is that during my time in AmeriCorps, I found that some of my most closely held truths were proven to be just more evidence that my grandmother didn't know what the heck she was talking about, even though I fully recognize that her intentions were good, and still, I think of all those years where I threw out all that rich, creamy, tangy goodness, and wonder, "HOW MUCH HAPPIER WOULD I BE NOW IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD BEEN INVITED TO GIVE A SPEECH WHERE HE CALLED MY GRANDMOTHER OUT AS A LIAR? HMM?"
But I'm not done calling all the people you love a liar, yet, so save your questions for when you guys are in the bathroom with me (and girls. girls can go to the bathroom with, oh never mind).
By the way, I thought long and hard about using the urban myths about mayonnaise as the basis for the point I'm trying to make, since some of you are really, really conscious about your health and fitness routines, and some of you are all like, I don't want to eat mayonnaise, I don't want to smoke, I don't want to drink, I don't want to drive, because I want to live a long, healthy life. But I know plenty of people who always walked, never smoked or drank, and never ate fast food entirely dependent upon mayonnaise who still didn't live very long, and you never hear about the famed longevity of the neandertals? Hmmm?
Okay, that's not fair. Here I am offending you, when all I really want to do is wish you a year that will be rich, smooth and immensely fulfilling, sort of like, oh, I don't know, MAYONNAISE.
Great. Now every time in the next year that you guys eat something with mayonnaise you are going to imagine me calling your grandmother a liar.
Why don't we go ahead and skip to Chapter Two of my speech, where I lecture you about the importance of using this year of your life to get outside your comfort zone, and by outside your comfort zone I DO NOT MEAN THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM, what I mean is annoying your project supervisor.
HA! I just lost about 10 percent of the audience, now didn't I? In addition to about another 10% of you who after completing your terms of service will also become AmeriCorps project supervisors, not because you're committed to national service but because of a little thing we like to call VENGEANCE.
1 comment:
When you think about it, we really are all doomed to a life...of death. Man. That sucks.
*sigh*
Grandma was such a liar.
Post a Comment