\ Nary a Hitch

I tried out a new exercise last night, following another faulty run, a routine that supposedly helps me find my central line, then pushes me off to one side and makes me strain against the weight of gravity, build resistance, push my limits until it hurts. The result is that now I am more self-centered, unbalanced, stubborn and hurt than ever before. Lying on my back following a round with the medicine ball is the best place to tell myself that I have never subscribed to the whole 'YOU SHOULD LEAVE BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR ME' routine. I don't see the point, I think, as I throw the ball up into the air. People will choose and unchoose you based on what they think is good for them, not you, I murmur, crossing the ball over from my left to my right. If i am rotten and you hitch your wagon to me, then I trust your decision making skills, I exhale, holding it behind my head into a crunch. When you let the oxen graze in greener pastures, then I will briefly think that you are wrong and need to be cut, but quickly, it passes, and then look: FREE HITCHING POST SPACE. I shout this last line, pulling myself into a standing position, then leaning into downward dog. I have never been so flexible.

I write down my repetitions, wonder why adjusting takes such getting used to, realize why my faults are so hard to imagine, but remember that it must be because we are used to concepts only inasmuch as we can define those concepts by words, and we can only relate to words inasmuch as they appear via their letters on a computer screen and on the computer screen, these letters appear two-dimensional, but the concept itself is not. To the left of normal is modesty. To the right is full of shit. BEHIND normal is self hate. In front of normal is self-awareness. Below normal is that I am perfect, just not for everyone. Above normal is I am super, but once or twice, I need a reminder, such as a lady in the airport bar buying me a drink. This is not degrees in a spectrum. It is depth within the rainbow, not just colors, but temperature and humidity, which unlike me, tend to settle down as it gets later in the evening.