It's more than bad. It's tribad.
For some reason, I recall that I said the word 'double fisting' much more than I probably actually did. But I do know that I have never before in my life talked more about sea monkeys than when Jenny convened the September 19th meeting of the TequilaCon Subcommittee on Inappropriations. This is likely because we went to the only restaurant in town that serves 100% genuine Peruvian water. No one told us that the traditional method of drinking said water is to shine a light at the floaties. Not until it was too late.
Vahid seemed a bit distracted, and we thought it was because reservations at a Peruvian bar is not an exact science, but really, he was just having second thoughts about inviting Djustin down to Portland, what with his show curls and angelic voice and personal line of furniture at Ikea, it's not like anyone is going to pay attention to the rest of us has-beens. In fact, Jenny wouldn't even allow Djustin to eat on his own, because you never know where a Peruvian fork has been, so we were forced to spoon- and fork-feed the little angel.
Djustin repays Vahid's kindness by humiliating him in the Grand Prix.
Sibyl probably took the night hardest of all, actually aging an entire year during the course of the festivities. But then she showed me her tattoo and denied that it was sanskrit for SIBYL CAN HAS BRANDON PLZ? and then I took it pretty hard and didn't really recover and took to drinking Genuine Peruvian tequila which is defined as 'the tequila in the bottle closest to your hand.'
Quarter Life Carotene and Beta Man
The receipt told its own stories, such as how originally Sibyl's Traditional Peruvian Birthday Flan was given to us for free, and then charged double when Djustin asked out loud, "IS IT REALLY SIBYL'S BIRTHDAY?" Or maybe Traditional Peruvian Birthday Flan is only free until you take a bite.
I dropped all my loot and discovered no fewer than 10 respawn points in the course of Asia's epic performance of Bust a Move.
And then we went to a karaoke bar and in spite of all my protestations, I agreed to sing and now I can cross that off of page 3 of 100 Things I Will Do Before I Die:
Page 3: 100 Things I Will Do Before I Die
#21 - Write a Novel Approach to Checking for Colon Polyps
#22 - Allow a Friend to Beat Me Up So That He Can Impress a Girl in a Country Western Bar
#23 - Eat a Live Mammal
#24 -
#25 - Go To Work Without My Pants On in Order to Increase My Chances for Disability
Unfortunately, I discovered that two of my suspicions are not only true, but very, very, very true:
Confirmed Suspicions
#1 - I am really awful at Karaoke
#2 - I deal with uncomfortable situations by drinking and talking about my genitals
Vahid and Jenny performed an Operetta by Meatloaf , which only seems like an oxymoron, because it is in fact a proxy moron, which is basically a word that takes the place of a moron. Sibyl assured me that Vahid had been practicing.
Jenny knows what she's doing at the mic, and unfortunately, the song did not last for a full three hours, because that meant eventually I would in fact have to sing, and I asked Asia for advice and she said, 'JUST KNOW THAT YOUR VOICE WILL NOT SOUND LIKE YOU THINK IT DOES,' and then I was relieved, because my voice sounded so, so bad and in my reptilian brain I thought A. this must be a good sign and B. FLEE FROM THE HUMANS.
I honestly do not remember many of the details after this, other than two items about scarves, one of which involved me forcing Jenny's head down onto a pinball machine and the other involving returning stolen merchandise to this Tequilacon veteran when I go to St. Louis in November.
Hey, who's got the picture booth photos?
I am fortunate in my friends. Rich beyond my wildest dreams. I made it home safely and slept for a very long time. I remain well ahead of schedule.
10 comments:
i had blocked the sea monkeys from my memory until now. they're growing in your belly, you know.
and ASIA has the photos! they're probably already part of some public art project for the semi-annual couch street art festival.
How is it that Jenny gets everyone to Karaoke? Speaking of, I heard you and I like to embarrass ourselves to the tune of Jim Croce.
When are you coming to STL and "gifting" me my own scarf?
Epic.
Could Sibyl BE any cuter?!?!
jenny - yay! finally i get to experience the miracle of birth! bring your miniature cocktail glasses!
jessica - the week of november 11! oh, and consider yourself lucky you weren't there during my croce rendition. i would have ruined him for you. in fact, i probably would have ruined all men for you.
eclectic - she could be. but then we'd have to kill her.
Wait. Are those two metal chipmunks making sweet sweet lesbian love? Sweet Lord.
Chicago = Forbidden Chipmunk Love.
Who knew?
I was victim to a karaoke accident in Stockholm and have never sung again.
Many, many people are quite happy about that.
Ok, so did any actual TequilaCon business get taken care of that night? Other than, well, drinking tequila? Dates? Anything? Although it appears obvious that it will have to take place at/near a karaoke bar so there can be repeat performances for all of us who missed the festivities...
sir - hmm. i guess it does sort of look like that. not that i would ever act out that sort of thing by way of toy dolls. nope.
dave - ahhh, THAT'S why it's called Stockholm Syndrome. for a brief moment, i actually thought i liked karaoke. and then i realized i was a prisoner of cruel, camera wielding captors. it's not your fault.
princessahah - yeah, we sort of did not get to actual business. we're convening an emergency follow-up meeting next month.
i have the photos. what will you bring to the bargaining table?
i will bring tiny bottles of wine for the negotiations and tonka beans for luck.
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