contrary to the going wisdom, you CAN IN FACT make the following kind of stuff up, it's just that people would throw rocks if they thought your mind worked that way.
cue the, um, scene:
THIS STORY IS TITLED, MY MOM CALLED ME TODAY ON THE TELEPHONE AND ASKED ME A QUESTION
by
BRANDON OANA (née ROGERS)
'HEY THIS MIGHT SOUND KIND OF GROSS, BUT DO YOU WANT SOME SHOES?'
/thinks to self 'don't ask don't tell don't ask don't tell'
'UM. UMMM. UMMMMMMM.' ugh 'WHAT'S THE STORY?' (i told you not to ask. to not ask. as in do not ask.)
'WELL, YOUR FATHER ATTENDED A FUNERAL AND GOT ALL OF THE DEAD MAN'S SHOES. HE IS TAKING ALL OF THE NINE AND A HALFS, AND WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU WANT THE NINES.'
(i told you not to ask. to not ask. as in why did you ask?)
'UM. I HAVE PLENTY OF SHOES ALREADY, I GUESS.' (fortunately, this is true, because while lying is merely bad, lying to your pre-senile mother is a sin against jesus, mary and the prophets. except judas. if judas hadn't hanged hisself, he'd a probably lied to his mother for 5 shekels.)
'THERE ARE LOTS OF THEM. HIKING SHOES, RUNNING SHOES, WALKING SHOES...' (goes on to list all the types of shoes that exist.)
'I'M GOOD, REALLY.' (notgood)
'HE'S BEEN GETTING A LOT OF SINGING GIGS AT FUNERALS LATELY! HE'S BEEN REALLY EXCITED!'
'YEAH, HUH? UH, I, UH, HOPE THAT PEOPLE KEEP DYING THEN.' (??!?)
'PETE AND BILL HAVE ALREADY ASKED IF HE'D SING AT THEIR FUNERALS!'
'WELL, UH, GREAT. I BET THEY, UH, HAVE LOTS OF NICE SHOES, TOO.' (dibs on the dead man's pillowcases, is what i wish'd i'd said)
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7 comments:
Don't judge a man who would take a dead man's shoes unless you have walked a mile in that man's shoes (the first man's shoes, not the dead man's shoes) (though I guess they are also the dead man's shoes.)
Dead men wear no shoes. The dead only need souls, not soles.
Hello, Brandon.
Caller ID.
Get it.
Use it.
Love it.
Let it make decisions for you from now on.
Have you ever considered writing a new Adam Sandler vehicle: "The Funeral Singer"? You could be the fresh new voice Hollywood has been looking for.
ooh, i don't think i'll be sharing any of this stuff with hollywood. my mom would kill me if she knew. and give my shoes away to their neighbors (/shudder)
caller id would backfire, because if i don't answer the phone then she rushes over to the house to make sure i'm alright, usually right when i'm in the middle of something (/JUST A MINUTE! I'M, UH, CHANGING...)
scott, you're right. the dead are such minimalists. i think ghosts are so pretentious.
Couldn't you just tell her you wear a size 12?
I was going to make a pun about soles and souls, but since scott beat me to the punch, I don't have anything to add except:
1. Rest assured that people will continue to die and leave their shoes behind.
eclectic, the thought exaggerating the size of my feet to my mother is raising too many issues to count at this moment.
janet, i wish more people would do the right thing and donate their shoes to science. and i bet more of us would if there were a tax deduction of some sort.
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