/ law of attraction

EARLIER IN THE YEAR I wanted to teach my son about relations between men and women people and other people, and TO MY DETRIMENT I completely neglected the LAW, because if there is one person more concerned than me about the sexual health of my child, it is Uncle Sam, and who better to teach you about your private parts THAN YOUR UNMARRIED UNCLE WHO LIVES IN THAT HOUSE ON THE CORNER WITH ALL THOSE OTHER MEN?

All the diagrams in the world of vulvas and improvised contraceptive devices mean very little if they are not backed up by the full faith and credit of the United States government. Why, just the other day, I read about a 33-year-old woman in Utah who had sexual relations with a 16-year-old boy (apparently UNCLE-less), and lost her job! She obviously didn't know that in the state of Utah, the legal age for getting married is, uh, well, it looks like according to the law in Utah, as long as you have parental/court consent, you can get married as young as 14.

Hmmm. But as many couples know, MARRIAGE =/= (does not equal) SEX. So I guess this is okay. In Utah, you can get married when you are 14. But you cannot have sex until 4 years later. And as everyone knows, 4 years is not very long in the grand scheme of things. After all, as many Kansans will point out, the Earth is at least 2,000 years old.

Still, the law is a fickle mistress, and like many mistresses, goes by different names depending upon her P.O. box. Why, just the other day a woman in Texas was arrested for sex with a 13-year-old boy (although, to be fair, when I lived in Texas, me and my friends referred to any 13-year-old who had sex with his teacher as a MAN). Had she only waited a few more months when he turned 14, the only reason she would have needed to appear in court would have been to sign the marriage license and throw the bouquet at the rest of the soccer team.

I was born in Arkansas, and I must admit even I am ill-prepared to teach the government approved sex curriculum in my native state, as just the other day a woman by the name of Monica Ann Cluck was arrested for having sex with a 17-year-old choir boy (I KNOW! THAT'S WHERE THAT SAYING COMES FROM! HE'S NO CHOIRBOY. HE'S A CHOIRMAN...). Sadly, had Ms. Cluck gone through the necessary, though awkward, legal proceeding of acquiring a parental note from the choirboy's mother, she could have LEGALLY married and consummated her lessons. Relationships between people is all in the details, as they say. iPod with headphone splitter? CHECK. Condom? CHECK. Parental consent with Notary Public? Umm, maybe we should just watch Nick at Nite...

Leaving out the role of the federal government when it comes to sex likely hurt me and my child in other ways, NAMELY OUR CHECKBOOK. Because having worked in the field of higher education all these years, I of all men people should be fully aware that the government actually PAYS its young people to get married. Really! When you complete the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA), you are required to list your parents' assets, which will reduce the amount of financial aid you receive. UNLESS YOU ARE MARRIED. KA-CHING.

This is a financial and emotional boon for those of you who make ten million dollars per year and are concerned about the high cost of a college education. SIMPLY SIGN THAT PARENTAL CONSENT FORM AND YOUR NEWLY MARRIED 17-YEAR-OLD WILL HAVE HER ENTIRE SCHOOLING PAID FOR BY YOUR FELLOW TAXPAYERS.

Now I cannot wait until my daughter is a little older, because in many states, the legal age for marriage is actually LOWER for girls than for boys (because as we ALL know, girls are more mature than boys), with parental consent (Arkansas, Mississippi, New Hampshire, Iran). And what proud papa wouldn't be even prouder to look fondly upon his daughter and say, I KNEW YOU WERE MORE RESPONSIBLE THAN YOUR OLDER BROTHER, AND YOUR GOVERNMENT AGREES WITH WHOM? ME! THAT'S RIGHT! ME! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Now go consummate this son of a bitch and deliver your daddy a Pell Grant.

Ugh.

By the way, since we have written laws to govern the minimum age of marital consent, I am now trying to find out what laws govern the minimum age of actually having children, just so I don't miss any more details in my next sex talk.

(ed. note-Apparently, you can legally BE pregnant at any age. In fact, if you happen to get pregnant at 10 years of age, not only are you allowed to legally marry in North Carolina, but you will be well on your way towards a Pell Grant! Yay! It pays to play, player!)

UGH

If only someone had been there to teach ME these subtleties of the law, because I only escaped by virtue of dumb luck. We were engaged when I was 21 and Alex was 18, and the delay was fortunate, because when trying to answer that common interview question about your biggest fault? There is NO real good way to spin statutory rape.

Not without a firm grasp of state and local laws, anyways.