well this is sad, but i want to have a drink today, because i feel like if i don't then that means i am admitting to bein' an alcoholic, you know how alcoholics are all like, "CAN'T HAVE EVEN ONE. NOT ONE. I'M AN ALCOHOLIC, AIN'T I TELL YOU?" all protecting their mouths from a single drop of booze, like a straight edge born again protectin' against losing that second virginity. i forget which color bracelet means head in the men's toilet, 'cause for some people that shit don't count, and god i wish there was an equivalent for alcoholics. zima, maybe? not spitting out the mouthwash??? you should always spit.
but if i have one drink and don't go bat shit crazy, then maybe, JUST MAYBE, i am NOT an alcoholic. i mean, it's going on 6 dry days and i don't even have the shakes, so i must be overachieving here, settin' unrealistic expectations for the children. haven't smoked since july 22nd, and i never even WANTED to give that up. i'll be thumping bibles afore too long, cross myself every time i say JESUSGODDAMNCHRIST, which is pretty goddamned frequent. in fact, the best part about tristan turning 9 this year was that i have no compunction about cursing in front of him. and naya's too young to understand. these are the goddamned golden years of our youths.
so without my old hobbies, i am filling up my time with being obsessed over running, taking photos of my growing collection of running shoes, oiling myself up with vaseline, sticking waterproof bandaids to my nipples and figuring out what to do with the kids when i'm babysitting. thank god for child locks on these new cars! (Oh, now don’t look at me like that, I realize how many children die due to overheating, locked in cars, I’m no monster. Clearly, I would park the car in the garage and leave it running so that they could enjoy the AC.)
giving up my vices has made it both possible and easier to run, and having given up smoking and booze and blasphemy can only mean one thing: instead of dying old and crusty with a faulty liver and a huge doctor bill, i will now die young and healthy, hit by a greenhouse gas producing SUV. just know it.
which is why, even though i have bought a camelbak and three flavors of sports gel and the world's most awesome media player with a 1 gb microSD (downloaded Moby Dick from LibriVox, I did), i am holding off on buying that heart rate monitor, 'fraid it might laugh at me. or whistle ominously. make a little unhappy emoticon and produce no sound whatsoever, which would cause me to run too hard early in the race.
i ran a mile today.
the only thing left to do is the marathon.
you can do anything you set your behind into.
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14 comments:
Sober, eh? I wonder what that's like.
it's awful. don't ever let'em tell you otherwise.
(alex will occasionally say, 'i like you better this way.' and then she'll giggle. SO. CRUEL.)
i am actually better this way, sadly. sigh.
Wait - by the way - did you not oil yourself up with vaseline when you were drinking?
unless you can produce pictures that prove otherwise, my stock answer to this question has always been, "NO, I DON'T THINK SO. THAT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS. NO. DEFINITELY NO."
being sober is pretty great sometimes. being drunk is pretty great sometimes.
Never been sure how much is comedy jokes in regards to your drinking and how much is not so much. So either HA HA or good for you is in order here.
So I guess this is the end of the drunken emails. How selfish of you. Don't you think of anyone but yourself?
I better start running too, otherwise I won't be able to keep up with you in Philly.
leah, i think that is the balance i seek, perfectly stated.
greg, it used to be a bit more comedy than it is lately (the field sobriety test a few weeks back seemed REALLY funny at the time. ugh.). i did have a drink today, and so far haven't sprouted 5 o'clock shadow and urinated in the butterfly bush, but i can't say it wasn't on my mind with every sip.
scarlet, you better get a head start, cause i am getting faster every day. and being sober helps me run in a straight line. oh, i'm just deadly.
i can't read this
knowing you're not drinking
or smoking.
i just can't.
it's blasphemy, it is.
5:45? Shit. I hate you now.
lx, don't worry, when i taildive off the wagon, the first thing i'll do is post about it here. i'm sort of curious myself what'll come out...
eclectic, i am totally gonna bust 4:59, so save your hatred for another time!
B, that's your time for a mile!
holy mother...
i think my best was 6-something ...IN HIGH SCHOOL.
i think now, i am happy breaking 8:30.
usually i putter along at around 9 mins.
a rat on a treadmill
who smokes and drinks, still.
so i'm not sure exactly why i do it
(the running, i mean, not the other stuff)
Among all the reasons I drink I must admit that "to prove I'm not an alcoholic" is high on the list, tho it comes below "'cuz I'm married, 'cuz I have children, 'cuz I work, and 'cuz there's gin in the world."
I went to the gym today. I did a twenty minute mile! Top that!
Shut up.
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