\ dissonance

some days i experience the fear of not getting cancer, because of the time it gives you to prepare, unlike the usual means to our ends, heart attacks and strokes and steep falls and just plain old forgetting you ever existed, and then vanish into thin air or perhaps in column of smoke and fire, the only evidence a half smoked cigarette and a bit of the bedspread. they teach you in wildland fires to fight from the black, the fire safest from where it began, the spread slow and steady. i almost never fear being killed by septicemia, the tenth leading cause of death nationwide, one that gives you no time to rehearse your final words, change the passwords on your email accounts, say something mean to your mother.

i remember there used to be, or seemed to be, more of those dreadful insurance commercials, the ones that heaped mountains of responsibility upon your already sagging shoulders, and it would take all the fun away from planning out your demise, the one-liners you would write into your obituary, the funny places you would direct your executor to sprinkle bits of your ashes, the bizarre stipulations you would place upon your children if they wanted to see one dime of their meager inheritance.

but for some reason, i don't see the old meaning in familiar sights and sounds, and when i think of walking through the snow, i feel burning, when i ponder my accomplishments, i experience pride, when i look at old photos, it is oddly reminiscent of happiness.

i am in a good place these days, and this has made it impossible to plan for the future.