/ my only vice is ADVICE

This is the advice I give to my son. In parentheses is the advice I was given by my various father figures. In Italics is the advice I am going to give Toby, the kid up the street who said my car sucked, after I marry his mom and become his step-father.

1. Do you know what girls like? They like it when you are kind, but only once they are convinced that you have it in you to be a raging madman. Don't just be kind ALL THE TIME. Throw a rock through a street lamp when you lose at four square, and then later on hold the door open for her. That's golden, son.

(What do girls like? They like it when you go to the fridge and bring me that bottle of ginger ale that smells like acetone. And then fuck off. They don't like your coughing.)

Do I know what girls like? NOT YOU. I'm sorry to break it to you. In fact, I even asked around. I asked Kristen, "Hey, do you like Toby, even though he peed all over the camper mattress when he fell asleep last weekend?" And then I asked Margo, "Hey, do you like Toby, even after seeing all of these photos of him bathing with his sister when he was 4?" I wish girls didn't think you sucked so bad, either.

2. There's no reason to fear a little hard work. Look, you help me with the weeding, and we can talk about getting a pair of DS Lites. And we will enjoy them more because we will have earned them. What? Yes, you're right, the weeds will grow back. Now that you make me think of it, moreover, weeds are artificial constructs created by the gardening industry in order to keep us from enjoying the abundant, local plants that use less water and attract native wildlife. Let's just go get those DS Lites right now, you clever little boy!

(After you're done folding my underwear, I have a little reward for you. You get to fold my socks.)

I'm sorry, Toby, but one coat of wax is insufficient because of all the pollen in the air. And when you're done, make sure you vacuum the mats on a solid surface in order to maximize the sucking action.

3. Yikes, yeah, that's quite a scrape. Good thing I de-thorned the blackberries, or it might even be bleeding. I know what will fix you right up, though: your own pellet gun!

(Well, I ain't got no goddamned bactine. Why would I pour my beer on it? It wasn't that rusty!)

As a former EMT, my medical advice for you Toby is to just suck it up.

4. Well, if you want to be healthy, you can't just play XBOX all day. So your mother and I have decided to buy you DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION!

(You better run.)

In boxing, we call that a sucker punch, Toby. You ready for some basketball?

5. Well, if you really want a puppy, it's not going to be easy, and you're going to have to listen very carefully to what I say. First of all, a puppy isn't a toy, it's a responsibility. You're going to need to read about the different breeds and find out the needs for each kind of dog. You're also going to need to show that you can maintain your grades while taking care of a pet. Plus, until you...oh, what the hell. Let's go get a puppy!

(You'll see your puppy in heaven. Sure.)

You're going to have to show me that you can take care of living creatures, Toby. Here. If this tomato plant is still alive next January, I will have the confidence in you to take care of a puppy. Make sure you pinch off the little buds in between the branches. They're called SUCKERS.