i hit the wall at mile 12, which is apparently a humiliating turn of events, as most high endurance athletes (SEVERAL OF WHOM I RESEMBLE) typically run around the wall until mile 22 or so. but by mile 12 i had already pulled out my pda in order to search the web for HANDWALKING TECHNIQUES IN 5 EASY STEPS. (GET IT? STEPS? UGH.)
apparently, though, my training technique is to blame (IT WASN'T ME!!! YESSS!). for the past week i have been preparing for this run while combining it with my other goals, namely FINALLY reaching my target weight of 149 pounds and last namely BEING AS SAD AND DEPRESSED AS POSSIBLE WHILE PROJECTING AN AURA OF JUJU.
i won't bore you with my menu of the past week, other than it contained big quantities of vitamin and calorie rich pickles, as well as at least one pencil eraser apparently fastened to the pencil in whichever country it is where lemurs are legally allowed to work in pencil factories. I THINK THIS IS WHAT THEY MEAN BY NUMBER 2 PENCIL.
but i WILL bore you with my breakfast, because i do vaguely recall hearing that you should eat a calorie heavy meal 2-4 hours before a big run. and what has more calories than Carlo Rossi Rhine? and don't say scotch, because i looked and there weren't none.
and a menthol cigarette.
with this fortified breakfast, i warmed up for my run by crawling around in the mulch for a slug, because i am fresh out of body glide i think it symbolic of my belief in the power of irony that a gastropod is the inspiration for my running endeavors.
okay, fine, ONE shot of bourbon. jeez.
my gear included my iRiver music device (FOR THE LAST TIME IPOD, NO I WILL NOT CONTINUE TO ENABLE YOUR BREAKDOWNS. TAKE YOUR SHIT OUT OF YOUR DRAWER AND GO BACK TO BOSTON) and a pair of sunglasses, a ball cap, some heavy sweats to combat both the chill and my body's recent inability to produce adequate heat, a 16 ounce bottle of water, a pocket knife in case i ran into any terrorists (GET IT? RAN INTO?) and pasties, because OH MY GOD HAVING NIPPLES IS PAINFUL (more on that later).
i am proud to report i am now only 10 pounds off my target weight, and as long as i don't consume any liquids or opt for the low-cost prosthetics, i should be able to reach my fighting weight by Tuesday. and next week? that wall better watch out, 'cause me and my buck fifty are running right through that motherfucker.
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6 comments:
That knife would also come in handy if you became so cold during the run that you had to kill a large animal, slice it open, and crawl inside to fight off hypothermia. Because 26.2 miles is a long way and you just never know what's going to happen.
I always think of what happened to the first person who ran a marathon. And plan to try to never run one, myself. Although that thing Oprah did with the 40 number on her 40th birthday was cool, and I aspire to be cool. Maybe I can get a number, catch a cab and ride around the city for a while, then hit the finish line at a reasonable time marker? That would work for me.
Me, I'm still working on finding and smashing the glass ceiling. That 12 mile wall can just go bugger itself till I get that glass cutter. (Do diamonds work on that? Or do you have to use something harder?)
wait, what was this oprah thing? did she run 40 miles when she turned 40? or lose 40 pounds? buy 40 acres?
i can't believe i am being outclassed by oprah winfrey. ugh.
KHANNNNN!
KHANNNNN!
KHANNNNN!
You took something called "water" on your run? I don't believe it exists. Does it look like Gin?
it was real water, all right. apparently though, i took about 5 liters too little.
i guess i'm gonna have to dump weight in other places. leave my laptop, digital camera, nintendo, cell phone and sudoku at home.
running just ain't gonna be that interesting this week.
Oh man, I forgot all about Body Glide.
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