/ 50 Bad Posts Day

1. Challenge
The challenge is a variation on a theme, to come up with the 50 worst posts possible.

This one counts.

2. Objective
The object, of course, is to get at least one commenter to say, "AND SURPRISINGLY, SOME OF THEM WERE ACTUALLY QUITE GOOD."

That's when you can drink. But only if they use the word 'QUITE.'

3. Pirates, Ninjas and Unicorns
The more something becomes insanely popular, the more I am loathe to admit I like it. Except pirates, ninjas and unicorns.

4. Sex
"I am going to take you to the bedroom and have sex with you all night."
"Oooh, sweet."
/later
"I'm going to stop at two."

5. VOX QUESTION OF THE DAY
Have you ever secretly unwrapped a gift before the big day?

This is an allusion to pre-marital sex, isn't it?

Well, duh.

6. Meeting
I told one of the VPs that I was going to do everything I could to get kicked off the committee. She said, "Good luck. I have lots of patience." To which I replied, "SO DID DR. KERVORKIAN."

No one LAUGHED.

7. Fast Food
I remember growing up we had these restaurants called What-a-Burger, and they used to run a commercial with Mel Tillis, and in spite of his debilitating stutter, he would always somehow manage to get his lines straight after noshing on a hamburger. I think it's remarkable when the healing properties of fast food can help us overcome our disabilities.

8. Shopping
I got in line with a six pack of beer behind a girl with a cart full of groceries. She asked me if I wanted to go ahead of her, I think because she was worried I only got behind her to check her out. I said, "NO THANKS. AIN'T IN NO HURRY."

She had the cutest mole on the back of her thigh above her right knee.

9. Meeting
"Radio interviews are tricky. You need someone who is quick witted."
"We should have Brandon do the radio spots."
"Good idea. Brandon, do you want to do the radio pieces?"
"I wouldn't know what to wear."

NO ONE LAUGHED.

10. VOX QUESTION OF THE DAY
What is your favorite way to relieve stress?

I like to pretend that my stress is an imaginary squeeze ball, and then i press it and press it and press it until i believe that it is as tiny as a speck of coal with a miniature diamond inside. and then i bury all that stress deep into the pit of my stomach, and marvel at how much i must be worth.

or i down a can of steel reserve and throw rocks at street signs. whichever.

11. Terror
I think the one thing the terrorists still don't understand about Americans is that we love animals far more than we love people, even when those people are ninjas or pirates or unicorns. If any of you terrorists out there are looking for potential targets, here's one that is GUARANTEED TO MAKE 9/11 LOOK LIKE Y2K: Blow up an animal shelter.

Seriously, drive your mobile IED into the local humane society and just SEE if the donations don't double or triple what was raised for the folks from the World Trade Center. I bet even Dennis Kucinich would re-authorize the Patriot Act over that shit. I bet they'd call it the PETriot Act. Bunch of folks be up on CNN holding photos of their missing cats: KEEPS ME IN UR THOUGHTZ AND PRAYERZ

12. Acquired Tastes
Hey, what's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten?
I'm not playing this game anymore with you.
Why not?
Because there can never be a winner in a game like this.

13. Robots
hey robot, what's the square root of 12,999,843
robot: ANSWER
hey, how many pounds of bread to the residents of vilnius eat per month? OOH, wait, how many KILOGRAMS?
robot: ANSWER
hey robot, innit funny how i'm YOUR master? innit?

14. America
i just ran 13 miles. You know what I had to drink before my run? TWO TUMBLERS OF CARLO ROSSI RHINE. What do you get when you combine extreme exercise, bulimic like vomiting and bloody nipples? AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL IS WHAT. NOW WHERE MY CROWN, BITCH?!

15. VOX QUESTION OF THE DAY
Have you ever played matchmaker? How did it go?

Yes. And I was able to give most of the puppies away to good homes.

16. Foreign Wife
Son: what is the most important vein in the body?
Wife: it must be the main vein.
Me: the what?
Wife: the main vein. you know, the aorta.
Me: the what?
Wife: okay, what did i say now?

17. Up with People
People who like you A LOT sure let you get away with a lot more shit than the people who actually love you.

People who hate you don't let you get away with a lot of shit, either.

18. Shopping
I think beer bought from Wal-Mart is the best. You can really taste the low, low wages. Always.

19. Robot
me: hey robot, you know why I'M in charge?

robot: because...

me: BECAUSE I HAVE HUMANITY AND YOU NEVER CAN.

robot: humanity is defined as the state of being characterized by compassion, sympathy or consideration of others. but just last week you called your own mother a 'worthless ho-bag.'

me: your mother was a roomba.

20. VOX QUESTION OF THE DAY
What method do you use to prepare your coffee or tea?

I use the rhythm method. I switch to decaf on days 8 - 19. Only two failures so far!

21. Biology
son: why does a baby come out the front-hole? isn't the butt-hole bigger?
me: babies do come out the butt-hole.
son: ...really?

22. PBJ
you know, peanuts are really legumes.
you know, you tell me this every time i eat a pb & j.
sometimes i feel like a nut.

23. law
what would you like named after you? a bridge? a school?
how about a law?
probably not the choice I would go for...

24. sex
do you think there is anything we could give our enemies that would make them stop hating us?
ear ringing sex.
that would probably do it.
with syphilis so they'd forget.

25. VOX QUESTION OF THE DAY
If you were stranded on a desert island, what five people would you eat first?

I would eat Apple Martin, John Candy, Halle Berry, Vanilla Ice and Jack Lemmon.

Wait, you did say a DESSERT island?

I spent way too much time on this.

26. like
me: my god, i am so sarcastic.
girl: it's okay. girls like sarcastic.
me: whatever.

27. big oil
what is the opposite of big oil?
low tar?
man, even my smokes are a political statement.
i only smoke organics. plus they smell like french fries!

28. kip
it is 7 am and i am eating kippered salmon in an attempt to get people at work to stop talking to me. and i'm flossing at my desk.

it's not working.

29. focus
i want to work on my focus and commitment. this week i have given up half my bad habits and i'm doing the remainder twice as much.

30. VOX QUESTION OF THE DAY
What's the most famous movie you've never seen?

Well, I've never seen the Greatest Story Ever Told.

Star Wars?

No, The Greatest Story Ever Told.

Breakfast Club?

THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD!!!

I give up. What is the greatest story ever told?

Leave me alone, Vox.

31. YOU PLUS ME = YOUME
You make me want to be a better person.

Awww.

I'll start next week.

NO ONE LAUGHED.

32. these dreams
i dreamt last night that i was digging in my garden and i uncovered a plastic bag, and my first thought was "i bet it's buried porn and pot!" and even though there was like huge wads of money, i kept thinking, "FIND THE PORN AND POT I KNOW IT'S HERE."

finding someone else's buried porn isn't so appealing when i'm awake.

33. yes, i know
the truck in front of me today had the following bumper sticker:

BEFORE I FORMED YOU IN THE WOMB, I KNEW YOU - GOD

this is how i'm going to open every conversation i have with people i meet.

34. shopping
in the check out line i noticed that kelly clarkson looks like a cross between mandy moore and hilary duff. but not like a good cross. like one of those crosses that reinforces the notion that sometimes two beautiful people can occasionally make an ugly child.

35. VOX QUESTION OF THE DAY
Tell us about your first kiss. Who was it with? How old were you?

i kissed a girl. yes, i did! i did so! stop laughing! i choose 'Dare!' i choose 'Dare!'

36. euphemism
a euphemism is a gentle way of breaking bad news, i think. sort of like when you are drinking coke for years and years, and then you secretly switch to pepsi, but then you secretly switch to FANTA, and when pepsi asks you where you been, you say, ' nowhere, i just been FANTASIZING.'

37. my space
keep getting these myspace requests for friendship, but it's clear they want to be more than simply friends (or is it less?) because their links invariably lead to nude shots of themselves and what I'm assuming are their REAL friends (a few of whom I recognize from previous friendship requests, proving it's not such a big world after all, that we're all interconnected and entwined, writhingly so).

Now of course, i can never have real relationship in real life, because if a girl buys me a drink at a bar, the first thing i'm going to assume is that she's a fed.

38.electioneer
i write 'cause i'm purposefully trying to go insane. leave me alone, i can have my fad now that i can afford it. my company has employee assistance, you know. i want to see myself on the news one day being escorted out of a seedy hotel wrapped in a sheet rolling my eyes and mouthing one of the following phrases:

"DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS A HE."
"NO COMMENT EXCEPT FOR THAT COMMENT. SO I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS 'ONE COMMENT.'"
"GODDAMN IF IT WASN'T WORTH SACRIFICING MY SHOT AT THE WHITE HOUSE. GOD DAMN."

and? so what.

39. Fairytale Logic
A bone in the hand is worth two in the bush.

40. VOX QUESTION OF THE DAY
If you could write a book about anything, what would it be about?

How to explain sex to an 8 year old who won't stop asking about it. Without using euphemisms like 'wee-wee' and 'blossom.' Or alternately, how to get an 8 year old to stop asking and just learn about sex from wikipedia already LIKE I DID.

41. LIES
i thought I totally looked hot today, and if i were a girl i cannot imagine not seeing me pass in the hall and grasping onto my neck with your teeth, swearing not to let go until i promised to make you my love slave but then i got home and took a few pictures to CAPTURE THE MAGIC and suddenly i KNEW, the CAMERA TOTALLY LIES.

42. TAG
Me: i flirt 'cause still want to know that i GOT it.

Friend: nothing wrong with that.

Me: well, i suppose i also KINDA wanna know that i can still USE it.

Friend: hmmm...

Me: actuallyyyy, a TINY part of me is curious if i should have a doctor take a LOOK at it.

43. Meeting
she said: i'm anal retentive.

I said: i've got the anal part down, it's the retention that's such a pickle.

she said: AWKWARD SILENCE

NO ONE LAUGHED

44. PHILLY
TequilaCon08 is in Philly. Your job is to find us the perfect venue.

45. VOX QUESTION OF THE DAY
What's your middle name? Is there a story or history behind it?

Ha, great question, VOX! Funny story, actually. My middle name is actually my biological father's name, and as Elrond once said, "NEVER BEFORE HAS ANY VOICE UTTERED THE WORDS OF THAT TONGUE HERE IN IMLADRIS."

Yes. Great question, VOX. Thank you. For that.

46. Recruiter
I think a good Army commercial for NPR would sound like this:

WHEN I'M NOT KILLING TERRORISTS YOU MIGHT FIND ME PLAYING ALONG WITH WEEKEND EDITION'S PUZZLE WITH WILL SHORTZ, OR ENJOYING THE SOMETIMES POIGNANT, SOMETIMES HILARIOUS, ALWAYS INSIGHTFUL THIS AMERICAN LIFE WITH IRA GLASS.

47. hindsight
you will always do it differently the second time, or at least say you will, nonetheless. that is the nature of hindsight.

48. exercise
the cavemen never drove, and you don't hear about their famed longevity.

49. 3rd person populi
i once tried to assume an alter ego who i named jude, so that i could send thinly veiled love notes to a pretty girl.

i wrote:

jude would like a venti latte and to inform you that he is awkward around girls.

later in the day jude realized that he likes his job, but wants to do something else, like accept literary prizes for a career. jude misses the days in short story class where he would assume that everyone wrote stories that were miserably unsuccessful veiled attempts to describe their experiences with drugs and sex. jude wrote a story about his noncustodial father begging for forgiveness. jude didn't relent.

jude likes the value of a good effort. this is why the notes in the sides of jude's spreadsheets indicate that he handchecked by solar powered calculator all of Excel's calculations, which he doesn't see as missing the point of computer software.

jude has unresolved issues with his mother.

jude doesn't see any of this behavior as ironic, likely because he is too close to his third person fictional persona. all he sees is iron. or maybe ron. he is so close, in fact, that all he sees is the vast empty white space that fills the letter o. he can recite pi to two decimal points.

50. VOX QUESTION OF THE DAY

What is your favorite children's movie?

I remember watching Where the Red Fern Grows in school and trying so hard not to cry that I still walk with a slight limp, and when I got home, I actually thanked my dog, Max, because I just KNEW he would protect me from all manner of mountain lions. And then about a month later, my mom remarried a guy who didn't like dogs, so they gave Max away and concocted some elaborate story how Max ran away and got run over by a train. I shit you not. A train.

What a great movie for children.