I think I am friendly fire, collateral damage and forlorn, all in one, a victim of the policies made to inhibit others, like in third grade, it wasn’t me, it wasn’t me talking, it was Gina Heidelberg, she was looking at me in a way that DEMANDED I TALK OUT OF TURN, and who was it palms against the wall 20 minutes later expecting the worst that a six-hole paddle could offer from Mr. B.? I don’t have to dignify that with a response.
It was me, goddamnit.
The fact that I can remember the name of my third grade girlfriend speaks volumes of picture-book literature, fine, bi- and sometimes even TRI-syllabic words reinforced with rudimentary drawings, and simple rhyme schemes. Bad is to sad as glad is to fad. Happiness is fleeting, that’s what all my lessons were.
Today in a related story, I done killed another editor at Barnes & Noble, a young girl named Lindsay, and it’s too bad, cause we were on the same page. Once, when I needed to check my contract for a CONFLICT O’INTEREST, I wrote:
I'll take a look at my contract, but it's full of words and stuff, and I have what appears to be a half empty bottle of sour apple schnapps in front of me at the moment, leading me to believe I should hold off on heavy reading until at least tomorrow. Maybe even Tuesday.
And she wrote back how she RESPECTED me for even making the attempt, what with the siren-like call of sour apple schnapps within my starboard port.
But today, she was totally, “AH AM NO LONGER GONNA TO BE THERE AFTER FRIDAY.” Which is common editor-speak for saying, “AH AM NO LONGER THERE NOW, REALLY, IF YOU THINK ABOOT IT. I’M GONE. IF YOU REALLY NEED ME, GO AHEAD AND CALL, BUT DO SO WITH THE UNDERSTANDING THAT I WON’T PICK UP. WRITE WHATEVER YOU WANT. YOU CAN EVEN MAKE THE FIRST LETTER OF EACH WORD IN YOUR INTRODUCTION SPELL OUT YOUR DARKEST CONFESSION, FOR WHAT I’M CONCERNED.
BEST.”
She had asked me an odd question just ere to dumping me, “DO YOU WANT TO MAKE HARDCOPY EDITS, OR DO SO ELECTRONICALLY?”
And I had replied, “YOU MEAN, LIKE WRITE IN THE BOOK? WON’T THAT GET ME LIBRARY DETENTION?”
I would have gladly taken corporal punishment for this one. Because I never grew up past the 4th grade, I think that’s the most profound compliment I could ever pay a girl.
According to school yard rumor, the principal wielded a paddle with NO holes.
According to bathroom rumor, however, he smacked you with it sideways.
Few girls are worth that.
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15 comments:
I am writing a manifesto with the first letters of everything else I write. I've been doing it for years. It's not easy. Sometimes you have to play with the words or nisspell something on purpose just to make it work.
Hello, Brandon.
I'm not writing a manifesto. I don't have the energy. I'm just using words to cover up the fact that I really have nothing to say that's worth writing down. Ironic, no?
Is anyone worth that?
hey there, brando.
for the record, i want you both to know that i prefer the gender neutral variant of humanifesto.
i also want you to know i spent the last 10 minutes constructing a reply where every first letter spelled out HUGE PENIS, but it dawned on me that my effort would be wasted. HOPEFULLY.
hey, i want to ask you a question about your book update, but i don't think i'm allowed. perhaps i should ask about your manifesto?
(and by manifesto, i mean penis.)
the book is dead. long live the book!
the book is going as well as i thought. i like it, but it's taking a while. i've had to pull back because of some other assignments and the beer/porn backlog. i should be finished in '12. ugh.
I'm trying to read between the lines of these last two comments, and I think I've figured out what you're talking about. I think it's great! Congratulations, Brandon! You're reading a book! That's awesome, buddy. I know you can do it. Don't give up, even if it takes until '12. Hang in there!
i'm not READING a book, i'm WRITING a book. well, book is a stretch. technically it's just a marketing plan for a local bar. The only thing i have so far is a working title, 'COME FOR THE BOOZE, STAY FOR THE LIQUOR.'
what about "liquor in the front, poker in the rear?" i think i read that on a shirt once....
if not for the sparks i just downed with breakfast i would be angry for never having heard that one before, instead of sitting here at my office desk giggling like a whore after getting a big tip.
For the record I want to say that it's unfair how you break my heart and make me Internest love you. I'd almost kicked the habit, but just like with the pRoN, I come back for little peek and a couple of minutes later I need a cigarette and a nap. And maybe a little tiny snuggle.
yep, that's the worst part about being a bad habit. people always trying to kick you, break you or change you. occasionally they feed you. every now and again they ride you.
No more kicking. No more breaking. To try and change you is unthinkable. I've decided to accept these feelings...::sniff:: to revel in them, even...::sob:: to let them slide over my skin like silk warmed by body heat...::gasp::
Um...what was it I meant to say? Oh, yeah. I love to cook. And I'm a fearless driver.
And this is proof that I should never drink in the afternoon.
is this MY brandon? if not, i don't want to hang out here. but i get confused easily, so let me know.
it IS me. i am being all sneaky and slow.
however, mi casa, su casa
you are now the sign /\ formerly known as el brando. how very clever. xo
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