turkey

turkey

During this time of thanks when we celebrate the slaying of our enemies with all manner of herpes infected settlers, I cannot help but think how much we need those Pilgrims now to solve our problems in trouble spots around the world. I don’t mean to imply that international relations and herpes are not complex issues, but do you think Myles Standish would put up with separatist militias? YOU THINK WRONGLY.

Would he not, upon swimming the Mayflower to the Iraqi shore with the mooring rope in his teeth, immediately shake hands with the naked savages and say unto them, ‘Every guilty deed, Holds in itself the seed, Of retribution and undying pain.’? And isn’t this just a fancy olde english way of warning, ‘Look, I am THIS CLOSE to giving each and every one of you herpes’? Because honestly, call me a pessimist, but at this rate, Iraq will never leapfrog Puerto Rico in line for statehood, which is a sad irony because we currently have so much in common. Both nations enjoy the death penalty, both frown upon gay marriage while leaving open the possibility of civil unions to appease the ‘liberals,’ both have burgeoning payday loan industries, both love ham and to celebrate Christmas (well, I suppose everyone does that).

Good God, where have all the Pilgrims gone? Many think that they re-boarded the Pinta and the Santeria and the Mayflower and abandoned us, but I posit that it is WE who have abandoned THEM. How many of you even wear your hairshirts anymore? Can you honestly say we have given them enough credit for defeating the Nazis? And if the Pilgrims hadn’t delivered Christopher Columbus via the procedure which would henceforth be known by the name of C-Section, this land wouldn’t even exist. I dare you to find one bill in your wallet that bears the portrait of any of the most famous Pilgrims, including such well known icons as Myles Standish, and, you know, any of them.

Is there a monument in our nation’s capital of Myles Standish raising the flag at Iwo Jima? NO. It’s just a bunch of marines, who are essentially soldiers so impatient just standing around on the ship that they would jump into the water miles from shore, which was a characteristic invented by, you guessed it, MYLES STANDISH.

And I don’t think they’ve ever been fully compensated for inventing the tuxedo. Or capris (clamdiggers).

With that said, it would be hypocritical of me to expect others to pay homage to the Pilgrims and not do so myself. And I have a hunch that Myles Standish would threaten me with herpes if he knew that I disrespected his contributions to North America by not eating turkey tomorrow. So I am going to leave work early so as to slowly re-introduce meat into my diet. I’m going to start by throwing rocks at my neighbor’s cat. And then I’ll see if I can lure a pigeon or squirrel close enough to strangle it, looking into the little creature’s eyes as it passes into the next astral plane in the hopes that I might absorb its forest powers. And most importantly, if I see a Pilgrim at the airport tomorrow, I’m going to thank him.