nablopomo

nablopomo

There isn’t a terrorist alive who wouldn’t trade in his exploding vest for a portable gaming system if only he could experience the transformational power of Nintendog love. So compelling a relationship have I established with my son’s new Chihuahua, ‘Wolf,’ that I catch myself looking with scorn upon our ‘real’ dogs, (Please note my use of single air quotes for ‘ironic’ purposes) who in addition to being wholly incapable of learning 14 tricks in two days, can also not be traded in for different puppies and kept in storage for free at the ‘Dog Hotel.’ As a nation, we can do better.

This is why puppy rental businesses are such good ideas. (And why I think that we are not far off from the ability to rent old people, as well*). But I also think many of these establishments have failed because there is not a suitable tertiary market for puppies once they’ve reached their shelf lives. And Nintendogs illustrates the point I want to make: We all love dogs, but more critically, we love ALL dogs. Be honest, how many of you have in fact petted each of the roughly 800 dog breeds? 400? I bet you can’t even name 200 dog breeds off the top of your head in the next 60 seconds.

You could, however, if there were a ‘domesticated dog zoo’ in your neighborhood. Imagine a big, concrete holding facility where you could interact with 800 breeds of dog in their ‘natural’ habitats, including a faux den, a faux arctic tundra, a faux junkyard, a faux police movie set, a faux log cabin in the wilderness (with well), a faux fox hunt, a faux maximum security prison in a secret CIA headquarters in an unsuspecting third world nation, the possibilities are endless and I’m already tired.

And with the right advertising campaign, I’m sure we could get these ‘educational’ zoos subsidized with federal and state tax dollars. Imagine the following commercial:

A television screen pans across a desolate, futuristic, dystopian landscape and then centers in on a solitary driver. His face is blank and lifeless (but you know, still attractive), until he drives past a sign that reads:

$50 Puppies

Suddenly, the man’s face lights up, and the scene is counterposed with memories of a boy running through a field playing catch with a bounding collie. As they fall to the ground in slow motion bliss, the boy’s mother presents them each with ice cream and pie, his on a plate, the dog’s in a red, white and blue bowl. A bald eagle screeches in the background, swooping into a lake to collect a trout, also in slow motion, shot with a star filter so that the water droplets glisten.

The next scene is of the man driving past the same point some time later, and the sign now reads:

$10 Dogs

The man looks confused. He suddenly looks skyward, and in the now darkened clouds, we see more images from the past, though much more ominous from the previous shot. A boy stands at the top of a dusty hill, a broken leash in one hand. He is silently yelling towards the horizon, in all directions. His mother brings no pie. The eagle is perched in a leafless tree, the wintry air ruffling his once proud feathers. A group of crows is perched below him. What do those crows want? Why do they look so menacing? What do they represent? The eagle is all knowing, but he doesn’t share his all-knowingness.

The last scene is of the man driving past the same point. This time, the sign reads:

Free burlap sacks

The memories now are of an oil refinery engulfed in flames. In the field, a boy stands over what appears to be the bodies of his mother and father, a smoking shotgun in his hands. At the base of a tree, a group of crows pecks at the carcass of an eagle.

Pan back to the man in the car, a single, solitary tear runs the crease of his well-worn skin. A voiceover announces, ‘Please vote yes on Proposition 7.’

And, voila! You’ve got yourself a domesticated dog zoo!




*Guy: This is my old person. Go ahead, you can touch him, he’s been de-toothed.

Girl: Awww! Hi there, little fellow! What’s your name?

Old Person: My name is Frank.

Girl: He talks?

Guy: Apparently.

Girl: What else does he do?

Guy: He looks at a lot of pornography.

Girl: Awww! He thinks he’s people!